The Host - Chapter 29

Betrayed

Maybe I should have run the other way. But no one was holding me back now, and though his voice was cold and angry, Jared was calling to me. Melanie was even more eager than I was as I stepped carefully around the corner and into the blue light; I hesitated there.

Ian stood just a few feet ahead of me, poised on the balls of his feet, ready for whatever hostile movement Jared might make toward me.

Jared sat on the ground, on one of the mats Jamie and I had left here. He looked as weary as Ian, though his eyes, too, were more alert than the rest of his exhausted posture.

“At ease,” Jared said to Ian. “I just want to talk to it. I promised the kid, and I’ll stand by that promise.”

“Where’s Kyle?” Ian demanded.

“Snoring. Your cave might shake apart from the vibrations.”

Ian didn’t move.

“I’m not lying, Ian. And I’m not going to kill it. Jeb is right. No matter how messed up this stupid situation is, Jamie has as much say as I do, and he’s been totally suckered, so I doubt he’ll be giving me the go-ahead anytime soon.”

“No one’s been suckered,” Ian growled.

Jared waved his hand, dismissing the disagreement over terminology. “It’s not in any danger from me, is my point.” For the first time he looked at me, evaluating the way I hugged the far wall, watching my hands tremble. “I won’t hurt you again,” he said to me.

I took a small step forward.

“You don’t have to talk to him if you don’t want to, Wanda,” Ian said quickly. “This isn’t a duty or a chore to be done. It’s not mandatory. You have a choice.”

Jared’s eyebrows pulled low over his eyes-Ian’s words confused him.

“No,” I whispered. “I’ll talk to him.” I took another short step. Jared turned his hand palm up and curled his fingers twice, encouraging me forward.

I walked slowly, each step an individual movement followed by a pause, not part of a steady advance. I stopped a yard away from him. Ian shadowed each step, keeping close to my side.

“I’d like to talk to it alone, if you don’t mind,” Jared said to him.

Ian planted himself. “I do mind.”

“No, Ian, it’s okay. Go get some sleep. I’ll be fine.” I nudged his arm lightly.

Ian scrutinized my face, his expression dubious. “This isn’t some death wish? Sparing the kid?” he demanded.

“No. Jared wouldn’t lie to Jamie about this.”

Jared scowled when I said his name, the sound of it full of confidence.

“Please, Ian,” I pleaded. “I want to talk to him.”

Ian looked at me for a long minute, then turned to scowl at Jared. He barked out each sentence like an order.

“Her name is Wanda, not it. You will not touch her. Any mark you leave on her, I will double on your worthless hide.”

I winced at the threat.

Ian turned abruptly and stalked into the darkness.

It was silent for a moment as we both watched the empty space where he had disappeared. I looked at Jared’s face first, while he still stared after Ian. When he turned to meet my gaze, I dropped my eyes.

“Wow. He’s not kidding, is he?” Jared said.

I treated that as a rhetorical question.

“Why don’t you have a seat?” he asked me, patting the mat be-side him.

I deliberated for a moment, then went to sit against the same wall but close to the hole, putting the length of the mat between us. Melanie didn’t like this; she wanted to be near him, for me to smell his scent and feel the warmth of his body beside me.

I did not want that-and it wasn’t because I was afraid he would hurt me; he didn’t look angry at the moment, only tired and wary. I just didn’t want to be any closer to him. Something in my chest was hurting to have him so near-to have him hating me in such close proximity.

He watched me, his head tilted to the side; I could only meet his gaze fleetingly before I had to look away.

“I’m sorry about last night-about your face. I shouldn’t have done that.”

I stared at my hands, knotted together in a double fist on my lap.

“You don’t have to be afraid of me.”

I nodded, not looking at him.

He grunted. “Thought you said you would talk to me?”

I shrugged. I couldn’t find my voice with the weight of his antagonism in the air between us.

I heard him move. He scooted down the mat until he sat right beside me-the way Melanie had hoped for. Too close-it was hard to think straight, hard to breathe right-but I couldn’t bring myself to scoot away. Oddly, for this was what she’d wanted in the first place, Melanie was suddenly irritated.

What? I asked, startled by the intensity of her emotion.

I don’t like him next to you. It doesn’t feel right. I don’t like the way you want him there. For the first time since we’d abandoned civilization together, I felt waves of hostility emanating from her. I was shocked. That was hardly fair.

“I just have one question,” Jared said, interrupting us.

I met his gaze and then shied away-recoiling both from his hard eyes and from Melanie’s resentment.

“You can probably guess what it is. Jeb and Jamie spent all night jabbering at me…”

I waited for the question, staring across the dark hall at the rice bag-last night’s pillow. In my peripheral vision, I saw his hand come up, and I cringed into the wall.

“I’m not going to hurt you,” he said again, impatient, and cupped my chin in his rough hand, pulling my face around so I had to look at him.

My heart stuttered when he touched me, and there was suddenly too much moisture in my eyes. I blinked, trying to clear them.

“Wanda.” He said my name slowly-unwillingly, I could tell, though his voice was even and toneless. “Is Melanie still alive-still part of you? Tell me the truth.”

Melanie attacked with the brute strength of a wrecking ball. It was physically painful, like the sudden stab of a migraine headache, where she tried to force her way out.

Stop it! Can’t you see?

It was so obvious in the set of his lips, the tight lines under his eyes. It didn’t matter what I said or what she said.

I’m already a liar to him, I told her. He doesn’t want the truth-he’s just looking for evidence, some way to prove me a liar, a Seeker, to Jeb and Jamie so that he’ll be allowed to kill me.

Melanie refused to answer or believe me; it was a struggle to keep her silent.

Jared watched the sweat bead on my forehead, the strange shiver that shook down my spine, and his eyes narrowed. He held on to my chin, refusing to let me hide my face.

Jared, I love you, she tried to scream. I’m right here.

My lips didn’t quiver, but I was surprised that he couldn’t read the words spelled out plainly in my eyes.

Time passed slowly while he waited for my answer. It was agonizing, having to stare into his eyes, having to see the revulsion there. As if that weren’t enough, Melanie’s anger continued to slice at me from the inside. Her jealousy swelled into a bitter flood that washed through my body and left it polluted.

More time passed, and the tears welled up until they couldn’t be contained in my eyes anymore. They spilled over onto my cheeks and rolled silently into Jared’s palm. His expression didn’t change.

Finally, I’d had enough. I closed my eyes and jerked my head down. Rather than hurt me, he dropped his hand.

He sighed, frustrated.

I expected he would leave. I stared at my hands again, waiting for that. My heartbeat marked the passing minutes. He didn’t move. I didn’t move. He seemed carved out of stone beside me. It fit him, this stonelike stillness. It fit his new, hard expression, the flint in his eyes.

Melanie pondered this Jared, comparing him with the man he used to be. She remembered an unremarkable day on the run…

“Argh!” Jared and Jamie groan together.

Jared lounges on the leather sofa and Jamie sprawls on the carpet in front of him. They’re watching a basketball game on the big-screen TV. The para-sites who live in this house are at work, and we’ve already filled the jeep with all it can hold. We have hours to rest before we need to disappear again.

On the TV, two players are disagreeing politely on the sideline. The cameraman is close; we can hear what they’re saying.

“I believe I was the last one to touch it-it’s your ball.”

“I’m not sure about that. I wouldn’t want to take any unfair advantage. We’d better have the refs review the tape.”

The players shake hands, pat each other’s shoulders.

“This is ridiculous,” Jared grumbles.

“I can’t stand it,” Jamie agrees, mirroring Jared’s tone perfectly; he sounds more like Jared every day-one of the many forms his hero worship has taken. “Is there anything else on?”

Jared flips through a few channels until he finds a track and field meet. The parasites are holding the Olympics in Haiti right now. From what we can see, the aliens are all hugely excited about it. Lots of them have Olympic flags outside their houses. It’s not the same, though. Everyone who participates gets a medal now. Pathetic.

But they can’t really screw up the hundred-meter dash. Individual parasite sports are much more entertaining than when they try to compete against each other directly. They perform better in separate lanes.

“Mel, come relax,” Jared calls.

I stand by the back door out of habit, not because I’m tensed to run. Not because I’m frightened. Empty habit, nothing more.

I go to Jared. He pulls me onto his lap and tucks my head under his chin.

“Comfortable?” he asks.

“Yes,” I say, because I really, truly am entirely comfortable. Here, in an alien’s house.

Dad used to say lots of funny things-like he was speaking his own language sometimes. Twenty-three skidoo, salad days, nosy parker, bandbox fresh, the catbird seat, chocolate teapot, and something about Grandma sucking eggs. One of his favorites was safe as houses.

Teaching me to ride a bike, my mother worrying in the doorway: “Calm down, Linda, this street is safe as houses.” Convincing Jamie to sleep without his nightlight: “It’s safe as houses in here, son, not a monster for miles.”

Then overnight the world turned into a hideous nightmare, and the phrase became a black joke to Jamie and me. Houses were the most dangerous places we knew.

Hiding in a patch of scrubby pines, watching a car pull out from the garage of a secluded home, deciding whether to make a food run, whether it was too dicey. “Do you think the parasites’ll be gone for long?” “No way-that place is safe as houses. Let’s get out of here.”

And now I can sit here and watch TV like it is five years ago and Mom and Dad are in the other room and I’ve never spent a night hiding in a drainpipe with Jamie and a bunch of rats while body snatchers with spotlights search for the thieves who made off with a bag of dried beans and a bowl of cold spaghetti.

I know that if Jamie and I survived alone for twenty years we would never find this feeling on our own. The feeling of safety. More than safety, even-happiness. Safe and happy, two things I thought I’d never feel again.

Jared makes us feel that way without trying, just by being Jared.

I breathe in the scent of his skin and feel the warmth of his body under mine.

Jared makes everything safe, everything happy. Even houses.

He still makes me feel safe, Melanie realized, feeling the warmth where his arm was just half an inch from mine. Though he doesn’t even know I’m here.

I didn’t feel safe. Loving Jared made me feel less safe than anything else I could think of.

I wondered if Melanie and I would have loved Jared if he’d always been who he was now, rather than the smiling Jared in our memories, the one who had come to Melanie with his hands full of hope and miracles. Would she have followed him if he’d always been so hard and cynical? If the loss of his laughing father and wild big brothers had iced him over the way nothing but Melanie’s loss had?

Of course. Mel was certain. I would love Jared in any form. Even like this, he belongs with me.

I wondered if the same held true for me. Would I love him now if he were like this in her memory?

Then I was interrupted. Without any cue that I perceived, suddenly Jared was talking, speaking as if we were in the middle of a conversation.

“And so, because of you, Jeb and Jamie are convinced that it’s possible to continue some kind of awareness after… being caught. They’re both sure Mel’s still kicking in there.”

He rapped his fist lightly against my head. I flinched away from him, and he folded his arms.

“Jamie thinks she’s talking to him.” He rolled his eyes. “Not really fair to play the kid like that-but that’s assuming a sense of ethics that clearly does not apply.”

I wrapped my arms around myself.

“Jeb does have a point, though-that’s what’s killing me! What are you after? The Seekers’ search wasn’t well directed or even… suspicious. They only seemed to be looking for you-not for us. So maybe they didn’t know what you were up to. Maybe you’re freelancing? Some kind of undercover thing. Or…”

It was easier to ignore him when he was speculating so foolishly. I focused on my knees. They were dirty, as usual, purple and black.

“Maybe they’re right-about the killing-you part, anyway.”

Unexpectedly, his fingers brushed lightly once across the goose bumps his words had raised on my arm. His voice was softer when he spoke again. “Nobody’s going to hurt you now. As long as you aren’t causing any trouble…” He shrugged. “I can sort of see their point, and maybe, in a sick way, it would be wrong, like they say. Maybe there is no justifiable reason to… Except that Jamie…”

My head flipped up-his eyes were sharp, scrutinizing my reaction. I regretted showing interest and watched my knees again.

“It scares me how attached he’s getting,” Jared muttered. “Shouldn’t have left him behind. I never imagined… And I don’t know what to do about it now. He thinks Mel’s alive in there. What will it do to him when…?”

I noticed how he said when, not if. No matter what promises he’d made, he didn’t see me lasting in the long term.

“I’m surprised you got to Jeb,” he reflected, changing the subject. “He’s a canny old guy. He sees through deceptions so easily. Till now.”

He thought about that for a minute.

“Not much for conversation, are you?”

There was another long silence.

His words came in a sudden gush. “The part that keeps bugging me is what if they’re right? How the hell would I know? I hate the way their logic makes sense to me. There’s got to be another explanation.”

Melanie struggled again to speak, not as viciously as before, this time without hope of breaking through. I kept my arms and lips locked.

Jared moved, shifting away from the wall so that his body was turned toward me. I watched the movement from the corner of my eye.

“Why are you here?” he whispered.

I peeked up at his face. It was gentle, kind, almost the way Melanie remembered it. I felt my control slipping; my lips trembled. Keeping my arms locked took all my strength. I wanted to touch his face. I wanted it. Melanie did not like this.

If you won’t let me talk, then at least keep your hands to yourself, she hissed.

I’m trying. I’m sorry. I was sorry. This was hurting her. We were both hurting, different hurts. It was hard to know who had it worse at the moment.

Jared watched me curiously while my eyes filled again.

“Why?” he asked softly. “You know, Jeb has this crazy idea that you’re here for me and Jamie. Isn’t that nuts?”

My mouth half-opened; I quickly bit down on my lip.

Jared leaned forward slowly and took my face between both his hands. My eyes closed.

“Won’t you tell me?”

My head shook once, fast. I wasn’t sure who did it. Was it me saying won’t or Melanie saying can’t?

His hands tightened under my jaw. I opened my eyes, and his face was inches away from mine. My heart fluttered, my stomach dropped-I tried to breathe, but my lungs did not obey.

I recognized the intention in his eyes; I knew how he would move, exactly how his lips would feel. And yet it was so new to me, a first more shocking than any other, as his mouth pressed against mine.

I think he meant just to touch his lips to mine, to be soft, but things changed when our skin met. His mouth was abruptly hard and rough, his hands trapped my face to his while his lips moved mine in urgent, unfamiliar patterns. It was so different from remembering, so much stronger. My head swam incoherently.

The body revolted. I was no longer in control of it-it was in control of me. It was not Melanie-the body was stronger than either of us now. Our breathing echoed loudly: mine wild and gasping, his fierce, almost a snarl.

My arms broke free from my control. My left hand reached for his face, his hair, to wind my fingers in it.

My right hand was faster. Was not mine.

Melanie’s fist punched his jaw, knocked his face away from mine with a blunt, low sound. Flesh against flesh, hard and angry.

The force of it was not enough to move him far, but he scrambled away from me the instant our lips were no longer connected, gaping with horrorstruck eyes at my horrorstruck expression.

I stared down at the still-clenched fist, as repulsed as if I’d found a scorpion growing on the end of my arm. A gasp of revulsion choked its way out of my throat. I grabbed the right wrist with my left hand, desperate to keep Melanie from using my body for violence again.

I glanced up at Jared. He was staring at the fist I restrained, too, the horror fading, surprise taking its place. In that second, his expression was entirely defenseless. I could easily read his thoughts as they moved across his unlocked face.

This was not what he had expected. And he’d had expectations; that was plain to see. This had been a test. A test he’d thought he was prepared to evaluate. A test with results he’d anticipated with confidence. But he’d been surprised.

Did that mean pass or fail?

The pain in my chest was not a surprise. I already knew that a breaking heart was more than an exaggeration.

In a fight-or-flight situation, I never had a choice; it would always be flight for me. Because Jared was between me and the darkness of the tunnel exit, I wheeled and threw myself into the box-packed hole.

The boxes crunched, crackled, and cracked as my weight shoved them into the wall, into the floor. I wriggled my way into the impossible space, twisting around the heavier squares and crushing the others. I felt his fingers scrape across my foot as he made a grab for my ankle, and I kicked one of the more solid boxes between us. He grunted, and despair wrapped choking hands around my throat. I hadn’t meant to hurt him again; I hadn’t meant to strike. I was only trying to escape.

I didn’t hear my own sobbing, loud as it was, until I could go no farther into the crowded hole and the sound of my thrashing stopped. When I did hear myself, heard the ragged, tearing gasps of agony, I was mortified.

So mortified, so humiliated. I was horrified at myself, at the violence I’d allowed to flow through my body, whether consciously or not, but that was not why I was sobbing. I was sobbing because it had been a test, and, stupid, stupid, stupid, emotional creature that I was, I wanted it to be real.

Melanie was writhing in agony inside me, and it was hard to make sense of the double pain. I felt as though I was dying because it was not real; she felt as though she was dying because, to her, it had felt real enough. In all that she’d lost since the end of her world, so long ago, she’d never before felt betrayed. When her father had brought the Seekers after his children, she’d known it was not him. There was no betrayal, only grief. Her father was dead. But Jared was alive and himself.

No one’s betrayed you, stupid, I railed at her. I wanted her pain to stop. It was too much, the extra burden of her agony. Mine was enough.

How could he? How? she ranted, ignoring me.

We sobbed, beyond control.

One word snapped us back from the edge of hysteria.

From the mouth of the hole, Jared’s low, rough voice-broken and strangely childlike-asked, “Mel?”

Categories: The Host

The Host - Chapter 30

Abbreviated

M el?” he asked again, the hope he didn’t want to feel coloring his tone.

My breath caught in another sob, an aftershock.

“You know that was for you, Mel. You know that. Not for h-it. You know I wasn’t kissing it.”

My next sob was louder, a moan. Why couldn’t I shut up? I tried holding my breath.

“If you’re in there, Mel…” He paused.

Melanie hated the “if.” A sob burst up through my lungs, and I gasped for air.

“I love you,” Jared said. “Even if you’re not there, if you can’t hear me. I love you.”

I held my breath again, biting my lip until it bled. The physical pain didn’t distract me as much as I wished it would.

It was silent outside the hole, and then silent inside, too, as I turned blue. I listened intently, concentrating only on what I could hear. I wouldn’t think. There was no sound.

I was twisted into the most impossible position. My head was the lowest point, the right side of my face pressed against the rough rock floor. My shoulders were slanted around a crumpled box edge, the right higher than the left. My hips angled the opposite way, with my left calf pressed to the ceiling. Fighting with the boxes had left bruises-I could feel them forming. I knew I would have to find some way to explain to Ian and Jamie that I had done this to myself, but how? What should I say? How could I tell them that Jared had kissed me as a test, like giving a lab rat a jolt of electricity to observe its reaction?

And how long was I supposed to hold this position? I didn’t want to make any noise, but it felt like my spine was going to snap in a minute. The pain got more difficult to bear every second. I wouldn’t be able to bear it in silence for long. Already, a whimper was rising in my throat.

Melanie had nothing to say to me. She was quietly working through her own relief and fury. Jared had spoken to her, finally recognized her existence. He had told her he loved her. But he had kissed me. She was trying to convince herself that there was no reason to be wounded by this, trying to believe all the solid reasons why this wasn’t what it felt like. Trying, but not yet succeeding. I could hear all this, but it was directed internally. She wasn’t speaking to me-in the juvenile, petty sense of the phrase. I was getting the cold shoulder.

I felt an unfamiliar anger toward her. Not like the beginning, when I feared her and wished for her eradication from my mind. No, I felt my own sense of betrayal now. How could she be angry with me for what had happened? How did that make sense? How was it my fault that I’d fallen in love because of the memories she forced on me and then been overthrown by this unruly body? I cared that she was suffering, yet my pain meant nothing to her. She enjoyed it. Vicious human.

Tears, much weaker than the others, flowed down my cheeks in silence. Her hostility toward me simmered in my mind.

Abruptly, the pain in my bruised, twisted back was too much. The straw on the camel.

“Ung,” I grunted, pushing against stone and cardboard as I shoved myself backward.

I didn’t care about the noise anymore, I just wanted out. I swore to myself that I would never cross the threshold of this wretched pit again-death first. Literally.

It was harder to worm out than it had been to dive in. I wiggled and squirmed around until I felt like I was making things worse, bending myself into the shape of a lopsided pretzel. I started to cry again, like a child, afraid that I would never get free.

Melanie sighed. Hook your foot around the edge of the mouth and pull yourself out, she suggested.

I ignored her, struggling to work my torso around a particularly pointy corner. It jabbed me just under the ribs.

Don’t be petty, she grumbled.

That’s rich, coming from you.

I know. She hesitated, then caved. Okay, sorry. I am. Look, I’m human. It’s hard to be fair sometimes. We don’t always feel the right thing, do the right thing. The resentment was still there, but she was trying to forgive and forget that I’d just made out with her true love-that’s the way she thought of it, at least.

I hooked my foot around the edge and yanked. My knee hit the floor, and I used that leverage to lift my ribs off the point. It was easier then to get my other foot out and yank again. Finally, my hands found the floor and I shoved my way through, a breech birth, falling onto the dark green mat. I lay there for a moment, facedown, breathing. I was sure at this point that Jared was long gone, but I didn’t make certain of that right away. I just breathed in and out until I felt prepared to lift my head.

I was alone. I tried to hold on to the relief and forget the sorrow this fact engendered. It was better to be alone. Less humiliating.

I curled up on the mat, pressing my face against the musty fabric. I wasn’t sleepy, but I was tired. The crushing weight of Jared’s rejection was so heavy it exhausted me. I closed my eyes and tried to think about things that wouldn’t make my stinging eyes tear again. Anything but the appalled look on Jared’s face when he’d broken away from me…

What was Jamie doing now? Did he know I was here, or was he looking for me? Ian would be asleep for a long time, he’d looked so exhausted. Would Kyle wake soon? Would he come in search? Where was Jeb? I hadn’t seen him all day. Was Doc really drinking himself unconscious? That seemed so unlike him…

I woke slowly, roused by my growling stomach. I lay quietly for a few minutes, trying to orient myself. Was it day or night? How long had I slept here alone?

My stomach wouldn’t be ignored for long, though, and I rolled up onto my knees. I must have slept for a while to be this hungry-missed a meal or two.

I considered eating something from the supply pile in the hole-after all, I’d already damaged pretty much everything, maybe destroyed some. But that only made me feel guiltier about the idea of taking more. I’d go scavenge some rolls from the kitchen.

I was feeling a little hurt, on top of all the big hurt, that I’d been down here so long without anyone coming to look for me-what a vain attitude; why should anyone care what happened to me?-so I was relieved and appeased to find Jamie sitting in the doorway to the big garden, his back turned on the human world behind him, unmistakably waiting for me.

My eyes brightened, and so did his. He scrambled to his feet, relief washing over his features.

“You’re okay,” he said; I wished he were right. He began to ramble. “I mean, I didn’t think Jared was lying, but he said he thought you wanted to be alone, and Jeb said I couldn’t go check on you and that I had to stay right here where he could see that I wasn’t sneaking back there, but even though I didn’t think you were hurt or anything, it was hard to not know for sure, you know?”

“I’m fine,” I told him. But I held my arms out, seeking comfort. He threw his arms around my waist, and I was shocked to find that his head could rest on my shoulder while we stood.

“Your eyes are red,” he whispered. “Was he mean to you?”

“No.” After all, people weren’t intentionally cruel to lab rats-they were just trying to get information.

“Whatever you said to him, I think he believes us now. About Mel, I mean. How does she feel?”

“She’s glad about that.”

He nodded, pleased. “How about you?”

I hesitated, looking for a factual response. “Telling the truth is easier for me than trying to hide it.”

My evasion seemed to answer the question enough to satisfy him.

Behind him, the light in the garden was red and fading. The sun had already set on the desert.

“I’m hungry,” I told him, and I pulled away from our hug.

“I knew you would be. I saved you something good.”

I sighed. “Bread’s fine.”

“Let it go, Wanda. Ian says you’re too self-sacrificing for your own good.”

I made a face.

“I think he’s got a point,” Jamie muttered. “Even if we all want you here, you don’t belong until you decide you do.”

“I can’t ever belong. And nobody really wants me here, Jamie.”

“I do.”

I didn’t fight with him, but he was wrong. Not lying, because he believed what he was saying. But what he really wanted was Melanie. He didn’t separate us the way he should.

Trudy and Heidi were baking rolls in the kitchen and sharing a bright green, juicy apple. They took turns taking bites.

“It’s good to see you, Wanda,” Trudy said sincerely, covering her mouth while she spoke because she was still chewing her last bite. Heidi nodded in greeting, her teeth sunk in the apple. Jamie nudged me, trying to be inconspicuous about it-pointing out that people wanted me. He wasn’t making allowances for common courtesy.

“Did you save her dinner?” he asked eagerly.

“Yep,” Trudy said. She bent down beside the oven and came back with a metal tray in her hand. “Kept it warm. It’s probably nasty and tough now, but it’s better than the usual.”

On the tray was a rather large piece of red meat. My mouth started to water, even as I rejected the portion I’d been allotted.

“It’s too much.”

“We have to eat all the perishables the first day,” Jamie encouraged me. “Everyone eats themselves sick-it’s a tradition.”

“You need the protein,” Trudy added. “We were on cave rations too long. I’m surprised no one’s in worse shape.”

I ate my protein while Jamie watched with hawk-like attention as each bite traveled from the tray to my mouth. I ate it all to please him, though it made my stomach ache to eat so much.

The kitchen started to fill up again as I was finishing. A few had apples in their hands-all sharing with someone else. Curious eyes examined the sore side of my face.

“Why’s everyone coming here now?” I muttered to Jamie. It was black outside, the dinner hour long over.

Jamie looked at me blankly for a second. “To hear you teach.” His tone added the words of course.

“Are you kidding me?”

“I told you nothing’s changed.”

I stared around the narrow room. It wasn’t a full house. No Doc tonight, and none of the returned raiders, which meant no Paige, either. No Jeb, no Ian, no Walter. A few others missing: Travis, Carol, Ruth Ann. But more than I would have thought, if I’d thought anyone would consider following the normal routine after such an abnormal day.

“Can we go back to the Dolphins, where we left off?” Wes asked, interrupting my evaluation of the room. I could see that he’d taken it upon himself to start the ball rolling, rather than that he was vitally interested in the kinship circles of an alien planet.

Everyone looked at me expectantly. Apparently, life was not changing as much as I’d thought.

I took a tray of rolls from Heidi’s hands and turned to shove it into the stone oven. I started talking with my back still turned.

“So… um… hmm… the, uh, third set of grandparents… They traditionally serve the community, as they see it. On Earth, they would be the breadwinners, the ones who leave the home and bring back sustenance. They are farmers, for the most part. They cultivate a plant-like growth that they milk for its sap…”

And life went on.

Jamie tried to talk me out of sleeping in the supply corridor, but his attempt was halfhearted. There just wasn’t another place for me. Stubborn as usual, he insisted on sharing my quarters. I imagined Jared didn’t like that, but as I didn’t see him that night or the next day, I couldn’t verify my theory.

It was awkward again, going about my usual chores, with the six raiders home-just like when Jeb had first forced me to join the community. Hostile stares, angry silences. It was harder for them than it was for me, though-I was used to it. They, on the other hand, were entirely unaccustomed to the way everyone else treated me. When I was helping with the corn harvest, for example, and Lily thanked me for a fresh basket with a smile, Andy’s eyes bulged in their sockets at the exchange. Or when I was waiting for the bathing pool with Trudy and Heidi, and Heidi began playing with my hair. It was growing, always swinging in my eyes these days, and I was planning to shear it off again. Heidi was trying to find a style for me, flipping the strands this way and that. Brandt and Aaron-Aaron was the oldest man who’d gone on the long raid, someone I couldn’t remember having seen before at all-came out and found us there, Trudy laughing at some silly atrocity Heidi was attempting to create atop my head, and both men turned a little green and stalked silently past us.

Of course, little things like that were nothing. Kyle roamed the caves now, and though he was obviously under orders to leave me in peace, his expression made it clear that this restriction was repugnant to him. I was always with others when I crossed his path, and I wondered if that was the only reason he did nothing more than glower at me and unconsciously curl his thick fingers into claws. This brought back all the panic from my first weeks here, and I might have succumbed to it-begun hiding again, avoiding the common areas-but something more important than Kyle’s murderous glares came to my attention that second night.

The kitchen filled up again-I’m not sure how much was interest in my stories and how much was interest in the chocolate bars Jeb handed out. I declined mine, explaining to a disgruntled Jamie that I couldn’t talk and chew at the same time; I suspected that he would save one for me, obstinate as ever. Ian was back in his usual hot seat by the fire, and Andy was there-eyes wary-beside Paige. None of the other raiders, including Jared, of course, was in attendance. Doc was not there, and I wondered if he was still drunk or perhaps hung-over. And again, Walter was absent.

Geoffrey, Trudy’s husband, questioned me for the first time tonight. I was pleased, though I tried not to show it, that he seemed to have joined the ranks of the humans who tolerated me. But I couldn’t answer his questions well, which was too bad. His questions were like Doc’s.

“I don’t really know anything about Healing,” I admitted. “I never went to a Healer after… after I first got here. I haven’t been sick. All I know is that we wouldn’t choose a planet unless we were able to maintain the host bodies perfectly. There’s nothing that can’t be healed, from a simple cut, a broken bone, to a disease. Old age is the only cause of death now. Even healthy human bodies were only designed to last for so long. And there are accidents, too, I guess, though those don’t happen as often with the souls. We’re cautious.”

“Armed humans aren’t just an accident,” someone muttered. I was moving hot rolls; I didn’t see who spoke, and I didn’t recognize the voice.

“Yes, that’s true,” I agreed evenly.

“So you don’t know what they use to cure diseases, then?” Geoffrey pressed. “What’s in their medications?”

I shook my head. “I’m sorry, I don’t. It wasn’t something I was interested in, back when I had access to the information. I’m afraid I took it for granted. Good health is simply a given on every planet I’ve lived on.”

Geoffrey’s red cheeks flushed brighter than usual. He looked down, an angry set to his mouth. What had I said to offend him?

Heath, sitting beside Geoffrey, patted his arm. There was a pregnant silence in the room.

“Uh-about the Vultures…” Ian said-the words were forced, a deliberate subject change. “I don’t know if I missed this part sometime, but I don’t remember you ever explaining about them being ‘unkind’…?”

It wasn’t something I had explained, but I was pretty sure he wasn’t really that interested-this was just the first question he’d been able to think of.

My informal class ended earlier than usual. The questions were slow, and most of them supplied by Jamie and Ian. Geoffrey’s questions had left everyone else preoccupied.

“Well, we’ve got an early one tomorrow, tearing down the stalks…” Jeb mused after yet another awkward silence, making the words a dismissal. People rose to their feet and stretched, talking in low voices that weren’t casual enough.

“What did I say?” I whispered to Ian.

“Nothing. They’ve got mortality on their minds.” He sighed.

My human brain made one of those leaps in understanding that they called intuition.

“Where’s Walter?” I demanded, still whispering.

Ian sighed again. “He’s in the south wing. He’s… not doing well.”

“Why didn’t anyone tell me?”

“Things have been… difficult for you lately, so…”

I shook my head impatiently at that consideration. “What’s wrong with him?”

Jamie was there beside me now; he took my hand.

“Some of Walter’s bones snapped, they’re so brittle,” he said in a hushed voice. “Doc’s sure it’s cancer-final stages, he says.”

“Walt must have been keeping quiet about the pain for a long while now,” Ian added somberly.

I winced. “And there’s nothing to be done? Nothing at all?”

Ian shook his head, keeping his brilliant eyes on mine. “Not for us. Even if we weren’t stuck here, there would be no help for him now. We never cured that one.”

I bit my lip against the suggestion I wanted to make. Of course there was nothing to do for Walter. Any of these humans would rather die slowly and in pain than trade their mind for their body’s cure. I could understand that… now.

“He’s been asking for you,” Ian continued. “Well, he says your name sometimes; it’s hard to tell what he means-Doc’s keeping him drunk to help with the pain.”

“Doc feels real bad about using so much of the alcohol himself,” Jamie added. “Bad timing, all around.”

“Can I see him?” I asked. “Or will that make the others unhappy?”

Ian frowned and snorted. “Wouldn’t that be just like some people, to get worked up over this?” He shook his head. “Who cares, though, right? If it’s Walt’s final wish…”

“Right,” I agreed. The word final had my eyes burning. “If seeing me is what Walter wants, then I guess it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks, or if they get mad.”

“Don’t worry about that-I’m not going to let anybody harass you.” Ian’s white lips pressed into a thin line.

I felt anxious, like I wanted to look at a clock. Time had ceased to mean much to me, but suddenly I felt the weight of a deadline. “Is it too late to go tonight? Will we disturb him?”

“He’s not sleeping regular hours. We can go see.”

I started walking at once, dragging Jamie because he still gripped my hand. The sense of passing time, of endings and finality, propelled me forward. Ian caught up quickly, though, with his long stride.

In the moonlit garden cavern, we passed others who for the most part paid us no mind. I was too often in the company of Jamie and Ian to cause any curiosity, though we weren’t headed for the usual tunnels.

The one exception was Kyle. He froze midstride when he saw his brother beside me. His eyes flashed down to see Jamie’s hand in mine, and then his lips twisted into a snarl.

Ian squared his shoulders as he absorbed his brother’s reaction-his mouth curled into a mirror of Kyle’s-and he deliberately reached for my other hand. Kyle made a noise like he was about to be sick and turned his back on us.

When we were in the blackness of the long tunnel south, I tried to free that hand. Ian gripped it tighter.

“I wish you wouldn’t make him angrier,” I muttered.

“Kyle is wrong. Being wrong is sort of a habit with him. He’ll take longer than anyone else to get over it, but that doesn’t mean we should make allowances for him.”

“He frightens me,” I admitted in a whisper. “I don’t want him to have more reasons to hate me.”

Ian and Jamie squeezed my hands at the same time. They spoke simultaneously.

“Don’t be afraid,” Jamie said.

“Jeb’s made his opinion very clear,” Ian said.

“What do you mean?” I asked Ian.

“If Kyle can’t accept Jeb’s rules, then he’s no longer welcome here.”

“But that’s wrong. Kyle belongs here.”

Ian grunted. “He’s staying… so he’ll just have to learn to deal.”

We didn’t talk again through the long walk. I was feeling guilty-it seemed to be a permanent emotional state here. Guilt and fear and heartbreak. Why had I come?

Because you do belong here, oddly enough, Melanie whispered. She was very aware of the warmth of Ian’s and Jamie’s hands, wrapped around and twined with mine. Where else have you ever had this?

Nowhere, I confessed, feeling only more depressed. But it doesn’t make me belong. Not the way you do.

We’re a package deal, Wanda.

As if I needed reminding…

I was a little surprised to hear her so clearly. She’d been quiet the last two days, waiting, anxious, hoping to see Jared again. Of course, I’d been similarly occupied.

Maybe he’s with Walter. Maybe that’s where he’s been, Melanie thought hopefully.

That’s not why we’re going to see Walter.

No. Of course not. Her tone was repentant, but I realized that Walter did not mean as much to her as he did to me. Naturally, she was sad that he was dying, but she had accepted that outcome from the beginning. I, on the other hand, could not bring myself to accept it, even now. Walter was my friend, not hers. I was the one he’d defended.

One of those dim blue lights greeted us as we approached the hospital wing. (I knew now that the lanterns were solar powered, left in sunny corners during the day to charge.) We all moved more quietly, slowing at the same time without having to discuss it.

I hated this room. In the darkness, with the odd shadows thrown by the weak glow, it seemed only more forbidding. There was a new smell-the room reeked of slow decay and stinging alcohol and bile.

Two of the cots were occupied. Doc’s feet hung over the edge of one; I recognized his light snore. On the other, looking hideously withered and misshapen, Walter watched us approach.

“Are you up for visitors, Walt?” Ian whispered when Walter’s eyes drifted in his direction.

“Ungh,” Walter moaned. His lips drooped from his slack face, and his skin gleamed wetly in the low light.

“Is there anything you need?” I murmured. I pulled my hands free-they fluttered helplessly in the air between me and Walter.

His loosely rolling eyes searched the darkness. I took a step closer.

“Is there anything we can do for you? Anything at all?”

His eyes roamed till they found my face. Abruptly, they focused through the drunken stupor and the pain.

“Finally,” he gasped. His breath wheezed and whistled. “I knew you would come if I waited long enough. Oh, Gladys, I have so much to tell you.”

Categories: The Host

The Host - Chapter 28

Unenlightened

It was disorienting to wake in the absolute dark. In the past months, I’d gotten used to having the sun tell me it was morning. At first I thought it must still be night, but then, feeling the sting of my face and the ache of my back, I remembered where I was.

Beside me, I could hear the sound of quiet, even breathing; it did not frighten me, because it was the most familiar of sounds here. I was not surprised that Jamie had crept back and slept beside me last night.

Maybe it was the change in my breathing that woke him; maybe it was just that our schedules had become synchronized. But seconds after I was conscious, he gave a little gasp.

“Wanda?” he whispered.

“I’m right here.”

He sighed in relief.

“It’s really dark here,” he said.

“Yes.”

“You think it’s breakfast time yet?”

“I don’t know.”

“I’m hungry. Let’s go see.”

I didn’t answer him.

He interpreted my silence correctly, as the balk it was. “You don’t have to hide out here, Wanda,” he said earnestly, after waiting a moment for me to speak. “I talked to Jared last night. He’s going to stop picking on you-he promised.”

I almost smiled. Picking on me.

“Will you come with me?” Jamie pressed. His hand found mine.

“Is that what you really want me to do?” I asked in a low voice.

“Yes. Everything will be the same as it was before.”

Mel? Is this best?

I don’t know. She was torn. She knew she couldn’t be objective; she wanted to see Jared.

That’s crazy, you know.

Not as crazy as the fact that you want to see him, too.

“Fine, Jamie,” I agreed. “But don’t get upset when it’s not the same as before, okay? If things get ugly… Well, just don’t be surprised.”

“It’ll be okay. You’ll see.”

I let him lead the way out of the dark, towing me by the hand he still held. I braced myself as we entered the big garden cavern; I couldn’t be sure of anyone’s reaction to me today. Who knew what had been said as I slept?

But the garden was empty, though the sun was bright in the morning sky. It reflected off the hundreds of mirrors, momentarily blinding me.

Jamie was not interested in the vacant cave. His eyes were on my face, and he sucked in a sharp breath through his teeth as the light touched my cheek.

“Oh,” he gasped. “Are you okay? Does that hurt bad?”

I touched my face lightly. The skin felt rough-grit crusted in the blood. It throbbed where my fingers brushed.

“It’s fine,” I whispered; the empty cavern made me wary-I didn’t want to speak too loudly. “Where is everybody?”

Jamie shrugged, his eyes still tight as they surveyed my face. “Busy, I guess.” He didn’t lower his voice.

This reminded me of last night, of the secret he wouldn’t tell me. My eyebrows pulled together.

What do you think he’s not telling us?

You know what I know, Wanda.

You’re human. Aren’t you supposed to have intuition or something?

Intuition? My intuition tells me that we don’t know this place as well as we thought we did, Melanie said.

We pondered the ominous sound of that.

It was almost a relief to hear the normal noises of mealtime coming from the kitchen corridor. I didn’t particularly want to see anyone-besides the sick yearning to see Jared, of course-but the unpopulated tunnels, combined with the knowledge that something was being kept from me, made me edgy.

The kitchen was not even half full-an oddity for this time of the morning. But I barely noticed that, because the smell coming from the banked stone oven overruled every other thought.

“Oooh,” Jamie moaned. “Eggs!”

Jamie pulled me faster now, and I had no reluctance to keep pace with him. We hurried, stomachs growling, to the counter by the oven where Lucina, the mother, stood with a plastic ladle in her hand. Breakfast was usually serve-yourself, but then breakfast was also usually tough bread rolls.

She looked only at the boy as she spoke. “They tasted better an hour ago.”

“They’ll taste just fine now,” Jamie countered enthusiastically. “Has everyone eaten?”

“Pretty much. I think they took a tray down to Doc and the rest…” Lucina trailed off, and her eyes flickered to me for the first time; Jamie’s eyes did the same. I didn’t understand the expression that crossed Lucina’s features-it disappeared too quickly, replaced by something else as she appraised the new marks on my face.

“How much is left?” Jamie asked. His eagerness sounded a trifle forced now.

Lucina turned and bent, tugging a metal pan off the hot stones in the bottom of the oven with the bowl of the ladle. “How much do you want, Jamie? There’s plenty,” she told him without turning.

“Pretend I’m Kyle,” he said with a laugh.

“A Kyle-sized portion it is,” Lucina said, but when she smiled, her eyes were unhappy.

She filled one of the soup bowls to overflowing with slightly rubbery scrambled eggs, stood up, and handed it to Jamie.

She eyed me again, and I understood what this look was for.

“Let’s sit over there, Jamie,” I said, nudging him away from the counter.

He stared in amazement. “Don’t you want any?”

“No, I’m -” I was about to say “fine” again, when my stomach gurgled disobediently.

“Wanda?” He looked at me, then back at Lucina, who had her arms folded across her chest.

“I’ll just have bread,” I muttered, trying to shove him away.

“No. Lucina, what’s the problem?” He looked at her expectantly. She didn’t move. “If you’re done here, I’ll take over,” he suggested, his eyes narrowing and his mouth setting in a stubborn line.

Lucina shrugged and set the ladle on the stone counter. She walked away slowly, not looking at me again.

“Jamie,” I muttered urgently under my breath. “This food isn’t meant for me. Jared and the others weren’t risking their lives so that I could have eggs for breakfast. Bread is fine.”

“Don’t be stupid, Wanda,” Jamie said. “You live here now, just like the rest of us. Nobody minds it when you wash their clothes or bake their bread. Besides, these eggs aren’t going to last much longer. If you don’t eat them, they’ll get thrown out.”

I felt all the eyes in the room boring into my back.

“That might be preferable to some,” I said even more quietly. No one but Jamie could possibly hear.

“Forget that,” Jamie growled. He hopped over the counter and filled another bowl with eggs, which he then shoved at me. “You’re going to eat every bite,” he told me resolutely.

I looked at the bowl. My mouth watered. I pushed the eggs a few inches away from me and then folded my arms.

Jamie frowned. “Fine,” he said, and shoved his own bowl across the counter. “You don’t eat, I don’t eat.” His stomach grumbled audibly. He folded his arms across his chest.

We stared at each other for two long minutes, both our stomachs rumbling as we inhaled the smell of the eggs. Every now and then, he would peek down at the food out of the corner of his eye. That’s what beat me-the longing look in his eyes.

“Fine,” I huffed. I slid his bowl back to him and then retrieved my own. He waited until I took the first bite to touch his. I stifled a moan as the taste registered on my tongue. I knew the cooled, rubbery eggs weren’t the best thing I’d ever tasted, but that’s how it felt. This body lived for the present.

Jamie had a similar reaction. And then he started shoveling the food into his mouth so fast it seemed he didn’t have time to breathe. I watched him to make sure he didn’t choke.

I ate more slowly, hoping that I’d be able to convince him to eat some of mine when he was done.

That was when, with our minor standoff over and my stomach satisfied, I finally noticed the atmosphere in the kitchen.

I would have expected, with the excitement of eggs for breakfast after months of monotony, more of a feeling of celebration. But the air was somber, the conversations all whispered. Was this a reaction to the scene last night? I scanned the room, trying to understand.

People were looking at me, a few here and there, but they weren’t the only ones talking in serious whispers, and the others paid me no mind at all. Besides, none of them seemed angry or guilty or tense or any of the other emotions I was expecting.

No, they were sad. Despair was etched on every face in the room.

Sharon was the last person I noticed, eating in a distant corner, keeping to herself as usual. She was so composed as she mechanically ate her breakfast that at first I didn’t notice the tears dripping in streaks down her face. They fell into her food, but she ate as if she were beyond noticing.

“Is something wrong with Doc?” I whispered to Jamie, suddenly afraid. I wondered if I was being paranoid-maybe this had nothing to do with me. The sadness in the room seemed to be part of some other human drama from which I’d been excluded. Was this what was keeping everyone busy? Had there been an accident?

Jamie looked at Sharon and sighed before he answered me. “No, Doc’s fine.”

“Aunt Maggie? Is she hurt?”

He shook his head.

“Where’s Walter?” I demanded, still whispering. I felt a gnawing anxiety as I thought of harm befalling one of my companions here, even those who hated me.

“I don’t know. He’s fine, I’m sure.”

I realized now that Jamie was just as sad as everyone else here.

“What’s wrong, Jamie? Why are you upset?”

Jamie looked down at his eggs, eating them slowly and deliberately now, and did not answer me.

He finished in silence. I tried to pass him what was left in my bowl, but he glowered so fiercely that I took it back and ate the rest without any more resistance.

We added our bowls to the big plastic bin of dirty dishes. It was full, so I took it from the counter. I wasn’t sure what was going on in the caves today, but dishes ought to be a safe occupation.

Jamie came along beside me, his eyes alert. I didn’t like that. I wouldn’t allow him to act as my bodyguard, if the necessity arose. But then, as we made our way around the edge of the big field, my regular bodyguard found me, so it became a moot point.

Ian was filthy; light brown dust covered him from head to toe, darker where it was wet with his sweat. The brown streaks smeared across his face did not disguise the exhaustion there. I was not surprised to see that he was just as down as everyone else. But the dust did make me curious. It was not the purple black dust inside the caves. Ian had been outside this morning.

“There you are,” he murmured when he saw us. He was walking swiftly, his long legs cutting the distance with anxious strides. When he reached us, he did not slow, but rather caught me under the elbow and hurried me forward. “Let’s duck in here for a minute.”

He pulled me into the narrow tunnel mouth that led toward the eastern field, where the corn was almost ripe. He did not lead me far, just into the darkness where we were invisible from the big room. I felt Jamie’s hand rest lightly on my other arm.

After half a minute, deep voices echoed through the big cavern. They were not boisterous-they were somber, as depressed as any of the faces I’d read this morning. The voices passed us, close by the crack where we hid, and Ian’s hand tensed on my elbow, his fingers pressing into the soft spots above the bone. I recognized Jared’s voice, and Kyle’s. Melanie strained against my control, and my control was tenuous anyway. We both wanted to see Jared’s face. It was a good thing Ian held us back.

“… don’t know why we let him keep trying. When it’s over, it’s over,” Jared was saying.

“He really thought he had it this time. He was so sure… Oh, well. It will be worth all this if he figures it out someday,” Kyle disagreed.

“If.” Jared snorted. “I guess it’s a good thing we found that brandy. Doc’s going to blow through the whole crate by nightfall at the rate he’s going.”

“He’ll pass out soon enough,” Kyle said, his voice beginning to fade in the distance. “I wish Sharon would…” And then I couldn’t make out any more.

Ian waited until the voices faded completely, and then a few minutes more, before he finally released my arm.

“Jared promised,” Jamie muttered to him.

“Yeah, but Kyle didn’t,” Ian answered.

They walked back out into the light. I followed slowly behind them, not sure what I was feeling.

Ian noticed for the first time what I carried. “No dishes now,” he told me. “Let’s give them a chance to clean up and move on.”

I thought about asking him why he was dirty, but probably, like Jamie, he would refuse to answer. I turned to stare at the tunnel that led toward the rivers, speculating.

Ian made an angry sound.

I looked back at him, frightened, and then realized what had upset him-he’d only just seen my face.

He raised his hand as if to lift my chin, but I flinched and he dropped it.

“That makes me so sick,” he said, and his voice truly did sound as if he were nauseated. “And worse, knowing that if I hadn’t stayed behind, I might have been the one to do it…”

I shook my head at him. “It’s nothing, Ian.”

“I don’t agree with that,” he muttered, and then he spoke to Jamie. “You probably ought to get to school. It’s better that we get everything back to normal as soon as possible.”

Jamie groaned. “Sharon will be a nightmare today.”

Ian grinned. “Time to take one for the team, kid. I don’t envy you.”

Jamie sighed and kicked the dirt. “Keep an eye on Wanda.”

“Will do.”

Jamie shuffled away, casting glances back at us every few minutes until he disappeared into another tunnel.

“Here, give me those,” Ian said, pulling the bin of dishes from me before I could respond.

“They weren’t too heavy for me,” I told him.

He grinned again. “I feel silly standing here with my arms empty while you lug these around. Chalk it up to gallantry. C’mon-let’s go relax somewhere out of the way until the coast is clear.”

His words troubled me, and I followed him in silence. Why should gallantry apply to me?

He walked all the way to the cornfield, and then into the cornfield, stepping in the low part of the furrow, between the stalks. I trailed behind him until he stopped, somewhere in the middle of the field, set the dishes aside, and sprawled out on the dirt.

“Well, this is out of the way,” I said as I settled to the ground beside him, crossing my legs. “But shouldn’t we be working?”

“You work too hard, Wanda. You’re the only one who never takes a day off.”

“It gives me something to do,” I mumbled.

“Everyone is taking a break today, so you might as well.”

I looked at him curiously. The light from the mirrors threw double shadows through the cornstalks that crisscrossed over him like zebra stripes. Under the lines and the dirt, his pale face was weary.

“You look like you’ve been working.”

His eyes tightened. “But I’m resting now.”

“Jamie won’t tell me what’s going on,” I murmured.

“No. And neither will I.” He sighed. “It’s nothing you want to know anyway.”

I stared at the ground, at the dark purple and brown dirt, as my stomach twisted and rolled. I could think of nothing worse than not knowing, but maybe I was just lacking in imagination.

“It’s not really fair,” Ian said after a silent moment, “seeing as I won’t answer your question, but do you mind if I ask you one?”

I welcomed the distraction. “Go ahead.”

He didn’t speak at once, so I looked up to find the reason for his hesitation. He was staring down now, looking at the dirt streaked across the backs of his hands.

“I know you’re not a liar. I know that now,” he said quietly. “I’ll believe you, whatever your answer is.”

I waited again while he continued to stare at the dirt on his skin.

“I didn’t buy Jeb’s story before, but he and Doc are pretty convinced… Wanda?” he asked, looking up at me. “Is she still in there with you? The girl whose body you wear?”

This was not just my secret anymore-both Jamie and Jeb knew the truth. Neither was it the secret that really mattered. At any rate, I trusted Ian not to go blabbing to anyone who would kill me over it. “Yes,” I told him. “Melanie is still here.”

He nodded slowly. “What is it like? For you? For her?”

“It’s… frustrating, for us both. At first I would have given anything to have her disappear the way she should have. But now I… I’ve gotten used to her.” I smiled wryly. “Sometimes it’s nice to have the company. It’s harder for her. She’s like a prisoner in many ways. Locked away in my head. She prefers that captivity to disappearing, though.”

“I didn’t know there was a choice.”

“There wasn’t in the beginning. It wasn’t until your kind discovered what was happening that any resistance started. That seems to be the key-knowing what’s going to happen. The humans who were taken by surprise didn’t fight back.”

“So if I were caught?”

I appraised his fierce expression-the fire in his brilliant eyes.

“I doubt you would disappear. Things have changed, though. When they catch full-grown humans now, they don’t offer them as hosts. Too many problems.” I half smiled again. “Problems like me. Going soft, getting sympathetic to my host, losing my way…”

He thought about that for a long time, sometimes looking at my face, sometimes at the cornstalks, sometimes at nothing at all.

“What would they do with me, then, if they caught me now?” he finally asked.

“They’d still do an insertion, I think. Trying to get information. Probably they’d put a Seeker in you.”

He shuddered.

“But they wouldn’t keep you as a host. Whether they found the information or not, you would be… discarded.” The word was hard to say. The idea sickened me. Odd-it was usually the human things that made me sick. But I’d never looked at the situation from the body’s perspective before; no other planet had forced me to. A body that didn’t function right was quickly and painlessly disposed of because it was as useless as a car that could not run. What was the point of keeping it around? There were conditions of the mind, too, that made a body unusable: dangerous mental addictions, malevolent yearnings, things that could not be healed and made the body unsafe to others. Or, of course, a mind with a will too strong to be erased. An anomaly localized on this planet.

I had never seen the ugliness of treating an unconquerable spirit as a defect as clearly as I did now, looking into Ian’s eyes.

“And if they caught you?” he asked.

“If they realized who I was… if anyone is still looking for me…” I thought of my Seeker and shuddered as he had. “They would take me out and put me in another host. Someone young, tractable. They would hope that I would be able to be myself again. Maybe they would ship me off-planet-get me away from the bad influences.”

“Would you be yourself again?”

I met his gaze. “I am myself. I haven’t lost myself to Melanie. I would feel the same as I do now, even as a Bear or a Flower.”

“They wouldn’t discard you?”

“Not a soul. We have no capital punishment for our kind. Or any punishment, really. Whatever they did, it would be to save me. I used to think there was no need for any other way, but now I have myself as proof against that theory. It would probably be right to discard me. I’m a traitor, aren’t I?”

Ian pursed his lips. “More of an expatriate, I’d say. You haven’t turned on them; you’ve just left their society.”

We were quiet again. I wanted to believe what he said was true. I considered the word expatriate, trying to convince myself that I was nothing worse.

Ian exhaled loudly enough to make me jump. “When Doc sobers up, we’ll get him to take a look at your face.” He reached over and put his hand under my chin; this time I didn’t flinch. He turned my head to the side so he could examine the wound.

“It’s not important. I’m sure it looks worse than it is.”

“I hope so-it looks awful.” He sighed and then stretched. “I suppose we’ve hidden long enough that Kyle’s clean and unconscious. Want some help with the dishes?”

Ian wouldn’t let me wash the dishes in the stream the way I usually did. He insisted that we go into the black bathing room, where I would be invisible. I scrubbed dishes in the shallow end of the dark pool, while he cleaned off the filth left behind by his mystery labors. Then he helped me with the last of the dirty bowls.

When we were done, he escorted me back to the kitchen, which was starting to fill up with the lunch crowd. More perishables were on the menu: soft white bread slices, slabs of sharp cheddar cheese, circles of lush pink bologna. People were scarfing down the delicacies with abandon, though the despair was still perceptible in the slump of their shoulders, in the absence of smiles or laughter.

Jamie was waiting for me at our usual counter. Two double stacks of sandwiches sat in front of him, but he wasn’t eating. His arms were folded as he waited for me. Ian eyed his expression curiously but left to get his own food without asking.

I rolled my eyes at Jamie’s stubbornness and took a bite. Jamie dug in as soon as I was chewing. Ian was back quickly, and we all ate in silence. The food tasted so good it was hard to imagine a reason for conversation-or anything else that would empty our mouths.

I stopped at two, but Jamie and Ian ate until they were groaning in pain. Ian looked as though he was about to collapse. His eyes struggled to stay open.

“Get back to school, kid,” he said to Jamie.

Jamie appraised him. “Maybe I should take over…”

“Go to school,” I told him quickly. I wanted Jamie a safe distance from me today.

“I’ll see you later, okay? Don’t worry about… about anything.”

“Sure.” A one-word lie wasn’t quite so obvious. Or maybe I was just being sarcastic again.

Once Jamie was gone, I turned on the somnolent Ian. “Go get some rest. I’ll be fine-I’ll stay someplace inconspicuous. Middle of a cornfield or something.”

“Where did you sleep last night?” he asked, his eyes surprisingly sharp under his half-closed lids.

“Why?”

“I can sleep there now, and you can be inconspicuous beside me.”

We were just murmuring, barely over a whisper now. No one paid us any attention.

“You can’t watch me every second.”

“Wanna bet?”

I shrugged, giving up. “I was back at the… the hole. Where I was kept in the beginning.”

Ian frowned; he didn’t like that. But he got up and led the way back to the storage corridor. The main plaza was busy again now, full of people moving around the garden, all of them grave, their eyes on their feet.

When we were alone in the black tunnel, I tried to reason with him again.

“Ian, what’s the point of this? Won’t it hurt Jamie more, the longer I’m alive? In the end, wouldn’t it be better for him if -”

“Don’t think like that, Wanda. We’re not animals. Your death is not an inevitability.”

“I don’t think you’re an animal,” I said quietly.

“Thanks. I didn’t say that as an accusation, though. I wouldn’t blame you if you did.”

That was the end of our conversation; that was the moment we both saw the pale blue light reflecting dimly from around the next turn in the tunnel.

“Shh,” Ian breathed. “Wait here.”

He pressed my shoulder down gently, trying to stick me where I stood. Then he strode forward, making no attempt to hide the sound of his footsteps. He disappeared around the corner.

“Jared?” I heard him say, feigning surprise.

My heart felt heavy in my chest; the sensation was more pain than fear.

“I know it’s with you,” Jared answered. He raised his voice, so that anyone between here and the main plaza would hear. “Come out, come out, wherever you are,” he called, his voice hard and mocking.

Categories: The Host

The Host - Chapter 27

Undecided

I felt my way back to my prison hole.

It had been weeks and weeks since I’d been down this particular corridor; I hadn’t been back since the morning after Jared had left and Jeb had set me free. It seemed to me that while I lived and Jared was in the caves, this must be where I belonged.

There was no dim light to greet me now. I was fairly sure I was in the last leg-the turns and twists were still vaguely familiar. I let my left hand drag against the wall as low as I could reach, feeling for the opening as I crept forward. I wasn’t decided on crawling back inside the cramped hole, but at least it would give me a reference point, letting me know that I was where I meant to be.

As it happened, I didn’t have the option of inhabiting my cell again.

In the same moment that my fingers brushed the rough edge at the top of the hole, my foot hit an obstacle and I stumbled, falling to my knees. I threw my hands out to catch myself, and they landed with a crunch and a crackle, breaking through something that wasn’t rock and didn’t belong here.

The sound startled me; the unexpected object frightened me. Perhaps I’d made a wrong turn and wasn’t anywhere near my hole. Perhaps I was in someone’s living space. I ran through the memory of my recent journey in my head, wondering how I could have gotten so turned about. Meanwhile, I listened for some reaction to my crashing fall, holding absolutely still in the darkness.

There was nothing-no reaction, no sound. It was only dark and stuffy and humid, as it always was, and so silent that I knew I must be alone.

Carefully, trying to make as little noise as possible, I took stock of my surroundings.

My hands were stuck in something. I pulled them free, tracing the contours of what felt like a cardboard box-a cardboard box with a sheet of thin, crackly plastic on top that my hands had fallen through. I felt around inside the box and found a layer of more crackly plastic-small rectangles that made a lot of noise when I handled them. I retreated quickly, afraid of drawing attention to myself.

I remembered that I’d thought I’d found the top of the hole. I searched to my left and found more stacks of cardboard squares on that side. I tried to find the top of the stack and had to stand in order to do so-it was as high as my head. I searched until I found the wall, and then the hole, exactly where I’d thought it was. I tried to climb in to ascertain if it really was the same place-one second on that bowed floor and I would know it for certain-but I could not get any farther than the opening. It, too, was crammed full of boxes.

Stymied, I explored with my hands, moving back out into the hall. I found I could go no deeper down the passageway; it was entirely filled with the mysterious cardboard squares.

As I hunted along the floor, trying to understand, I found something different from the crowd of boxes. It was rough fabric, like burlap, a sack full of something heavy that shifted with a quiet hissing sound when I nudged it. I kneaded the sack with my hands, less alarmed by the low hiss than by the plastic crackle-it seemed unlikely that this sound would alert anyone to my presence.

Suddenly, it all came clear. It was the smell that did it. As I played with the sand-like material inside the bag, I got an unexpected whiff of a familiar scent. It took me back to my bare kitchen in San Diego, to the low cupboard on the left side of the sink. In my head I could see so clearly the bag of uncooked rice, the plastic measuring cup I used to dole it out, the rows of canned food behind it…

Once I realized that I was touching a bag of rice, I understood. I was in the right place after all. Hadn’t Jeb said they used this place for storage? And hadn’t Jared just returned from a long raid? Now everything the raiders had stolen in the weeks they’d been gone was dumped in this out-of-the-way place until it could be used.

Many thoughts ran through my head at once.

First, I realized that I was surrounded by food. Not just rough bread and weak onion soup, but food. Somewhere in this stack, there could be peanut butter. Chocolate chip cookies. Potato chips. Cheetos.

Even as I imagined finding these things, tasting them again, being full for the first time since I’d left civilization, I felt guilty for thinking of it. Jared hadn’t risked his life and spent weeks hiding and stealing to feed me. This food was for others.

I also worried that perhaps this wasn’t the entire haul. What if they had more boxes to stow? Would Jared and Kyle be the ones to bring them? It didn’t take any imagination at all to picture the scene that would result if they found me here.

But wasn’t that why I was here? Wasn’t that exactly what I’d needed to be alone to think about?

I slouched against the wall. The rice bag made a decent pillow. I closed my eyes-unnecessary in the inky darkness-and settled in for a consultation.

Okay, Mel. What now?

I was glad to find that she was still awake and alert. Opposition brought out her strength. It was only when things were going well that she drifted away.

Priorities, she decided. What’s most important to us? Staying alive? Or Jamie?

She knew the answer. Jamie, I affirmed, sighing out loud. The sound of my breath whispered back from the black walls.

Agreed. We could probably last awhile if we let Jeb and Ian protect us. Will that help him?

Maybe. Would he be more hurt if we just gave up? Or if we let this drag on, only to have it end badly, which seems inevitable?

She didn’t like that. I could feel her scrambling around, searching for alternatives.

Try to escape? I suggested.

Unlikely, she decided. Besides, what would we do out there? What would we tell them?

We imagined it together-how would I explain my months of absence? I could lie, make up some alternative story, or say I didn’t remember. But I thought of the Seeker’s skeptical face, her bulging eyes bright with suspicion, and knew my inept attempts at subterfuge would fail.

They’d think I took over, Melanie agreed. Then they’d take you out and put her in.

I squirmed, as if a new position on the rock floor would take me further away from the idea, and shuddered. Then I followed the thought to its conclusion. She’d tell them about this place, and the Seekers would come.

The horror washed through us.

Right, I continued. So escape is out.

Right, she whispered, emotion making her thought unstable.

So the decision is… quick or slow. Which hurts him less?

It seemed that as long as I focused on practicalities I could keep at least my side of the discussion numbly businesslike. Melanie tried to mimic my effort.

I’m not sure. On the one hand, logically, the longer the three of us are together, the harder our… separation would be for him. Then again, if we didn’t fight, if we just gave up… he wouldn’t like that. He’d feel betrayed by us.

I looked at both sides she’d presented, trying to be rational about it.

So… quick, but we have to do our best not to die?

Go down fighting, she affirmed grimly.

Fighting. Fabulous. I tried to imagine that-meeting violence with violence. Raising my hand to strike someone. I could form the words but not the mental picture.

You can do it, she encouraged. I’ll help you.

Thanks, but no thanks. There has to be some other way.

I don’t get you, Wanda. You’ve given up on your species entirely, you’re ready to die for my brother, you’re in love with the man I love who is going to kill us, and yet you won’t let go of customs that are entirely impractical here.

I am who I am, Mel. I can’t change that, though everything else may change. You hold on to yourself; allow me to do the same.

But if we’re going to -

She would have continued to argue with me, but we were interrupted. A scuffing sound, shoe against rock, echoed from somewhere back down the corridor.

I froze-every function of my body arrested but my heart, and even that faltered jaggedly-and listened. I didn’t have long to hope that I’d just imagined the sound. Within seconds, I could hear more quiet footsteps coming this way.

Melanie kept her cool, whereas I was lost to panic.

Get on your feet, she ordered.

Why?

You won’t fight, but you can run. You have to try something-for Jamie.

I started breathing again, keeping it quiet and shallow. Slowly, I rolled forward till I was on the balls of my feet. Adrenaline coursed through my muscles, making them tingle and flex. I would be faster than most who would try to catch me, but where would I run to?

“Wanda?” someone whispered quietly. “Wanda? Are you here? It’s me.”

His voice broke, and I knew him.

“Jamie!” I rasped. “What are you doing? I told you I needed to be alone.”

Relief was plain in his voice, which he now raised from the whisper. “Everybody is looking for you. Well, you know, Trudy and Lily and Wes-that everybody. Only we’re not supposed to let anyone know that’s what we’re doing. No one is supposed to guess that you’re missing. Jeb’s got his gun again. Ian’s with Doc. When Doc’s free, he’ll talk to Jared and Kyle. Everybody listens to Doc. So you don’t have to hide. Everybody’s busy, and you’re probably tired…”

As Jamie explained, he continued forward until his fingers found my arm, and then my hand.

“I’m not really hiding, Jamie. I told you I had to think.”

“You could think with Jeb there, right?”

“Where do you want me to go? Back to Jared’s room? This is where I’m supposed to be.”

“Not anymore.” The familiar stubborn edge entered his voice.

“Why is everyone so busy?” I asked to distract him. “What’s Doc doing?”

My attempt was unsuccessful; he didn’t answer.

After a minute of silence, I touched his cheek. “Look, you should be with Jeb. Tell the others to stop looking for me. I’ll just hang out here for a while.”

“You can’t sleep here.”

“I have before.”

I felt his head shake in my hand.

“I’ll go get mats and pillows, at least.”

“I don’t need more than one.”

“I’m not staying with Jared while he’s being such a jerk.”

I groaned internally. “Then you stay with Jeb and his snores. You belong with them, not with me.”

“I belong wherever I want to be.”

The threat of Kyle finding me here was heavy on my mind. But that argument would only make Jamie feel responsible for protecting me.

“Fine, but you have to get Jeb’s permission.”

“Later. I’m not going to bug Jeb tonight.”

“What is Jeb doing?”

Jamie didn’t answer. It was only at that point I realized he had deliberately not answered my question the first time. There was something he didn’t want to tell me. Maybe the others were busy trying to find me, too. Maybe Jared’s homecoming had returned them to their original opinion about me. It had seemed that way in the kitchen, when they’d hung their heads and eyed me with furtive guilt.

“What’s going on, Jamie?” I pressed.

“I’m not supposed to tell you,” he muttered. “And I’m not going to.” His arms wrapped tightly around my waist, and his face pressed against my shoulder. “Everything is going to be all right,” he promised me, his voice thick.

I patted his back and ran my fingers through his tangled mane. “Okay,” I said, agreeing to accept his silence. After all, I had my secrets, too, didn’t I? “Don’t be upset, Jamie. Whatever it is, it will all work out for the best. You’re going to be fine.” As I said the words, I willed them to be true.

“I don’t know what to hope for,” he whispered.

As I stared into the dark at nothing in particular, trying to understand what he wouldn’t say, a faint glow caught my eye at the far end of the hallway-dim but conspicuous in the black cave.

“Shhh,” I breathed. “Someone is coming. Quick, hide behind the boxes.”

Jamie’s head snapped up, toward the yellow light that was getting brighter by the second. I listened for the accompanying footsteps but heard nothing.

“I’m not going to hide,” he breathed. “Get behind me, Wanda.”

“No!”

“Jamie!” Jared shouted. “I know you’re back here!”

My legs felt hollow, numb. Did it have to be Jared? It would be so much easier for Jamie if Kyle were the one to kill me.

“Go away!” Jamie shouted back.

The yellow light sped up and turned into a circle on the far wall.

Jared stalked around the corner, the flashlight in his hand sweeping back and forth across the rock floor. He was clean again, wearing a faded red shirt I recognized-it had hung in the room where I’d lived for weeks and so was a familiar sight. His face was also familiar-it wore exactly the same expression it had since the first moment I’d shown up here.

The beam of the flashlight hit my face and blinded me; I knew the light reflected brilliantly off the silver behind my eyes, because I felt Jamie jump-just a little start, and then he set himself more firmly than before.

“Get away from it!” Jared roared.

“Shut up!” Jamie yelled back. “You don’t know her! Leave her alone!”

He clung to me while I tried to unlock his hands.

Jared came on like a charging bull. He grabbed the back of Jamie’s shirt with one hand and yanked him away from me. He held on to his handful of fabric, shaking the boy while he yelled.

“You’re being an idiot! Can’t you see how it’s using you?”

Instinctively, I shoved myself into the tight space between them. As I’d intended, my advance made him drop Jamie. I didn’t want or need what else happened-the way his familiar smell assaulted my senses, the way the contours of his chest felt under my hands.

“Leave Jamie alone,” I said, wishing for once that I could be more like Melanie wanted me to be-that my hands could be hard now, that my voice could be strong.

He snatched my wrists in one hand and used this leverage to hurl me away from him, into the wall. The impact caught me by surprise, knocked the breath out of me. I rebounded off the stone wall to the floor, landing in the boxes again, making another crinkly crash as I shredded through more cellophane.

The pulse thudded in my head as I lay awkwardly bent over the boxes, and for a moment, I saw strange lights pass in front of my eyes.

“Coward!” Jamie screamed at Jared. “She wouldn’t hurt you to save her own life! Why can’t you leave her alone?”

I heard the boxes shifting and felt Jamie’s hands on my arm. “Wanda? Are you okay, Wanda?”

“Fine,” I huffed, ignoring the throbbing in my head. I could see his anxious face hovering over me in the glow of the flashlight, which Jared must have dropped. “You should go now, Jamie,” I whispered. “Run.”

Jamie shook his head fiercely.

“Stay away from it!” Jared bellowed.

I watched as Jared grabbed Jamie’s shoulders and yanked the boy up from his crouch. The boxes this displaced fell on me like a small avalanche. I rolled away, covering my head with my arms. A heavy one caught me right between the shoulder blades, and I cried out in pain.

“Stop hurting her!” Jamie howled.

There was a sharp crack, and someone gasped.

I struggled to pull myself out from under the heavy carton, rising up on my elbows dizzily.

Jared had one hand over his nose, and something dark was oozing down over his lips. His eyes were wide with surprise. Jamie stood in front of him with both hands clenched into fists, a furious scowl on his face.

Jamie’s scowl melted slowly while Jared stared at him in shock. Hurt took its place-hurt and a betrayal so deep that it rivaled Jared’s expression in the kitchen.

“You aren’t the man I thought you were,” Jamie whispered. He looked at Jared as though Jared were very far away, as if there were a wall between them and Jamie was utterly isolated on his side.

Jamie’s eyes started to swim, and he turned his head, ashamed of showing weakness in front of Jared. He walked away with quick, jerky movements.

We tried, Melanie thought sadly. Her heart ached after the child, even as she longed for me to return my eyes to the man. I gave her what she wanted.

Jared wasn’t looking at me. He was staring at the blackness into which Jamie had disappeared, his hand still covering his nose.

“Aw, damn it!” he suddenly shouted. “Jamie! Get back here!”

There was no answer.

Jared threw one bleak glance in my direction-I cringed away, though his fury seemed to have faded-then scooped up the flashlight and stomped after Jamie, kicking a box out of his way.

“I’m sorry, okay? Don’t cry, kid!” He called out more angry apologies as he turned the corner and left me lying in the darkness.

For a long moment, it was all I could do to breathe. I concentrated on the air flowing in, then out, then in. After I felt I had that part mastered, I worked on getting up off the floor. It took a few seconds to remember how to move my legs, and even then they were shaky and threatened to collapse under me, so I sat against the wall again, sliding over till I found my rice-filled pillow. I slumped there and took stock of my condition.

Nothing was broken-except maybe Jared’s nose. I shook my head slowly. Jamie and Jared should not be fighting. I was causing them so much turmoil and unhappiness. I sighed and went back to my assessment. There was a vast sore spot in the center of my back, and the side of my face felt raw and moist where it had hit the wall. It stung when I touched it and left warm fluid on my fingers. That was the worst of it, though. The other bruises and scrapes were mild.

As I realized that, I was unexpectedly overwhelmed by relief.

I was alive. Jared had had his chance to kill me and he had not used it. He’d gone after Jamie instead, to make things right between them. So whatever damage I was doing to their relationship, it was probably not irreparable.

It had been a long day-the day had already been long even before Jared and the others had shown up, and that seemed like eons ago. I closed my eyes where I was and fell asleep on the rice.

Categories: The Host

The Host - Chapter 26

Returned

Without ever actually agreeing to do it, I became the teacher Jeb wanted.

My “class” was informal. I answered questions every night after dinner. I found that as long as I was willing to do this, Ian and Doc and Jeb would leave me alone during the day so that I could concentrate on my chores. We always convened in the kitchen; I liked to help with the baking while I spoke. It gave me an excuse to pause before answering a difficult question, and somewhere to look when I didn’t want to meet anyone’s eyes. In my head, it seemed fitting; my words were sometimes upsetting, but my actions were always for their good.

I didn’t want to admit that Jamie was right. Obviously, people didn’t like me. They couldn’t; I wasn’t one of them. Jamie liked me, but that was just some strange chemical reaction that was far from rational. Jeb liked me, but Jeb was crazy. The rest of them didn’t have either excuse.

No, they didn’t like me. But things changed when I started talking.

The first time I noticed it was the morning after I answered Doc’s questions at dinner; I was in the black bathing room, washing clothes with Trudy, Lily, and Jamie.

“Could you hand me the soap, please, Wanda?” Trudy asked from my left.

An electric current ran through my body at the sound of my name spoken by a female voice. Numbly, I passed her the soap and then rinsed the sting off my hand.

“Thank you,” she added.

“You’re welcome,” I murmured. My voice cracked on the last syllable.

I passed Lily in the hall a day later on my way to find Jamie before dinner.

“Wanda,” she said, nodding.

“Lily,” I answered, my throat dry.

Soon it wasn’t just Doc and Ian who asked questions at night. It surprised me who the most vocal were: exhausted Walter, his face a worrisome shade of gray, was endlessly interested in the Bats of the Singing World. Heath, usually silent, letting Trudy and Geoffrey talk for him, was outspoken during these evenings. He had some fascination with Fire World, and though it was one of my least favorite stories to tell, he peppered me with questions until he’d heard every detail I knew. Lily was concerned with the mechanics of things-she wanted to know about the ships that carried us from planet to planet, their pilots, their fuel. It was to Lily that I explained the cryotanks-something they had all seen but few understood the purpose of. Shy Wes, usually sitting close to Lily, asked not about other planets but about this one. How did it work? No money, no recompense for work-why did our souls’ society not fall apart? I tried to explain that it was not so different from life in the caves. Did we not all work without money and share in the products of our labor equally?

“Yes,” he interrupted me, shaking his head. “But it’s different here-Jeb has a gun for the slackers.”

Everyone looked at Jeb, who winked, and then they all laughed.

Jeb was in attendance about every other night. He didn’t participate; he just sat thoughtfully in the back of the room, occasionally grinning.

He was right about the entertainment factor; oddly, for we all had legs, the situation reminded me of the See Weeds. There had been a special title for entertainers there, like Comforter or Healer or Seeker. I was one of the Storytellers, so the transition to a teacher here on Earth had not been such a change, profession-wise, at least. It was much the same in the kitchen after dark, with the smell of smoke and baking bread filling the room. Everyone was stuck here, as good as planted. My stories were something new, something to think about besides the usual-the same endlessly repeated sweaty chores, the same thirty-five faces, the same memories of other faces that brought the same grief with them, the same fear and the same despair that had long been familiar companions. And so the kitchen was always full for my casual lessons. Only Sharon and Maggie were conspicuously and consistently absent.

I was in about my fourth week as an informal teacher when life in the caves changed again.

The kitchen was crowded, as was usual. Jeb and Doc were the only ones missing besides the normal two. On the counter next to me was a metal tray of dark, doughy rolls, swollen to twice the size they’d started at. They were ready for the oven, as soon as the current tray was done. Trudy checked every few minutes to make sure nothing was burning.

Often, I tried to get Jamie to talk for me when he knew the story well. I liked to watch the enthusiasm light up his face, and the way he used his hands to draw pictures in the air. Tonight, Heidi wanted to know more about the Dolphins, so I asked Jamie to answer her questions as well as he could.

The humans always spoke with sadness when they asked about our newest acquisition. They saw the Dolphins as mirrors of themselves in the first years of the occupation. Heidi’s dark eyes, disconcerting underneath her fringe of white-blond hair, were tight with sympathy as she asked her questions.

“They look more like huge dragonflies than fish, right, Wanda?” Jamie almost always asked for corroboration, though he never waited for my answer. “They’re all leathery, though, with three, four, or five sets of wings, depending on how old they are, right? So they kind of fly through the water-it’s lighter than water here, less dense. They have five, seven, or nine legs, depending on which gender they are, right, Wanda? They have three different genders. They have really long hands with tough, strong fingers that can build all kinds of things. They make cities under the water out of hard plants that grow there, kind of like trees but not really. They aren’t as far along as we are, right, Wanda? Because they’ve never made a spaceship or, like, telephones for communication. Humans were more advanced.”

Trudy pulled out the tray of baked rolls, and I bent to shove the next tray of risen dough into the hot, smoking hole. It took a little jostling and balancing to get it in just right.

As I sweated in front of the fire, I heard some kind of commotion outside the kitchen, echoing down the hall from somewhere else in the caves. It was hard, with all the random sound reverberations and strange acoustics, to judge distances here.

“Hey!” Jamie shouted behind me, and I turned just in time to see the back of his head as he sprinted out the door.

I straightened out of my crouch and took a step after him, my instinct to follow.

“Wait,” Ian said. “He’ll be back. Tell us more about the Dolphins.”

Ian was sitting on the counter beside the oven-a hot seat that I wouldn’t have chosen-which made him close enough to reach out and touch my wrist. My arm flinched away from the unexpected contact, but I stayed where I was.

“What’s going on out there?” I asked. I could still hear some kind of jabbering-I thought I could hear Jamie’s excited voice in the mix.

Ian shrugged. “Who knows? Maybe Jeb…” He shrugged again, as if he wasn’t interested enough to bother with figuring it out. Nonchalant, but there was a tension in his eyes I didn’t understand.

I was sure I would find out soon enough, so I shrugged, too, and started explaining the incredibly complex familial relationships of the Dolphins while I helped Trudy stack the warm bread in plastic containers.

“Six of the nine… grandparents, so to speak, traditionally stay with the larvae through their first stage of development while the three parents work with their six grandparents on a new wing of the family dwelling for the young to inhabit when they are mobile,” I was explaining, my eyes on the rolls in my hands rather than my audience, as usual, when I heard the gasp from the back of the room. I continued with my next sentence automatically as I scanned the crowd to see who I’d upset. “The remaining three grandparents are customarily involved…”

No one was upset with me. Every head was turned in the same direction I was looking. My eyes skipped across the backs of their heads to the dark exit.

The first thing I saw was Jamie’s slight figure, clinging to someone’s arm. Someone so dirty, head to toe, that he almost blended right in with the cave wall. Someone too tall to be Jeb, and anyway, there was Jeb just behind Jamie’s shoulder. Even from this distance, I could see that Jeb’s eyes were narrowed and his nose wrinkled, as if he were anxious-a rare emotion for Jeb. Just as I could see that Jamie’s face was bright with sheer joy.

“Here we go,” Ian muttered beside me, his voice barely audible above the crackle of the flames.

The dirty man Jamie was still clinging to took a step forward. One of his hands rose slowly, like an involuntary reflex, and curled into a fist.

From the dirty figure came Jared’s voice-flat, perfectly devoid of any inflection. “What is the meaning of this, Jeb?”

My throat closed. I tried to swallow and found the way blocked. I tried to breathe and was not successful. My heart drummed unevenly.

Jared! Melanie’s exultant voice was loud, a silent shriek of elation. She burst into radiant life inside my head. Jared is home!

“Wanda is teaching us all about the universe,” Jamie babbled eagerly, somehow not catching on to Jared’s fury-he was too excited to pay attention, maybe.

“Wanda?” Jared repeated in a low voice that was almost a snarl.

There were more dirty figures in the hall behind him. I only noticed them when they echoed his snarl with an outraged muttering.

A blond head rose from the frozen audience. Paige lurched to her feet. “Andy!” she cried, and stumbled through the figures seated around her. One of the dirty men stepped around Jared and caught her as she nearly fell over Wes. “Oh, Andy!” she sobbed, the tone of her voice reminding me of Melanie’s.

Paige’s outburst changed the atmosphere momentarily. The silent crowd began to murmur, most of them rising to their feet. The sound was one of welcome now, as the majority went to greet the returned travelers. I tried to read the strange expressions on their faces as they forced grins onto their lips and peeked furtively back at me. I realized after a long, slow second-time seemed to be congealing around me, freezing me into place-that the expression I wondered at was guilt.

“It’s going to be okay, Wanda,” Ian murmured under his breath.

I glanced at him wildly, searching for that same guilt on his face. I didn’t find it, only a defensive tightening around his vivid eyes as he stared at the newcomers.

“What the hell, people?” a new voice boomed.

Kyle-easily identifiable by his size despite the grime-was shoving his way around Jared and heading toward… me.

“You’re letting it tell you its lies? Have you all gone crazy? Or did it lead the Seekers here? Are you all parasites now?”

Many heads fell forward, ashamed. Only a few kept their chins stiffly in the air, their shoulders squared: Lily, Trudy, Heath, Wes… and frail Walter, of all people.

“Easy, Kyle,” Walter said in his feeble voice.

Kyle ignored him. He walked with deliberate steps toward me, his eyes, the same vibrant cobalt as his brother’s, glowing with rage. I couldn’t keep my eyes on him, though-they kept returning to Jared’s dark shape, trying to read his camouflaged face.

Melanie’s love flowed through me like a lake bursting through a dam, distracting me even more from the enraged barbarian closing the distance quickly.

Ian slid into my view, moving to place himself in front of me. I strained my neck to the side to keep my view of Jared clear.

“Things changed while you were gone, brother.”

Kyle halted, face slack with disbelief. “Did the Seekers come, then, Ian?”

“She’s not a danger to us.”

Kyle ground his teeth together, and from the corner of my eye, I saw him reach for something in his pocket.

This captured my attention at last. I cringed, expecting a weapon. The words stumbled off my tongue in a choked whisper. “Don’t get in his way, Ian.”

Ian didn’t respond to my plea. I was surprised at the amount of anxiety this caused me, at how much I didn’t want him hurt. It wasn’t the instinctive protection, the bone-deep need to protect, that I felt for Jamie or even Jared. I just knew that Ian should not be harmed trying to protect me.

Kyle’s hand came back up, and a light shone out of it. He pointed it at Ian’s face, held it there for a moment. Ian didn’t flinch from the light.

“So, what, then?” Kyle demanded, putting the flashlight back in his pocket. “You’re not a parasite. How did it get to you?”

“Calm down, and we’ll tell you all about it.”

“No.”

The contradiction did not come from Kyle but from behind him. I watched Jared walk slowly toward us through the silent spectators. As he got closer, Jamie still clinging to his hand with a bewildered expression, I could read his face better under the mask of dirt. Even Melanie, all but delirious with happiness at his safe return, could not misunderstand the expression of loathing there.

Jeb had wasted his efforts on the wrong people. It didn’t matter that Trudy or Lily was speaking to me, that Ian would put himself between his brother and me, that Sharon and Maggie made no hostile move toward me. The only one who had to be convinced had now, finally, decided.

“I don’t think anyone needs to calm down,” Jared said through his teeth. “Jeb,” he continued, not looking to see if the old man had followed him forward, “give me the gun.”

The silence that followed his words was so tense I could feel the pressure inside my ears.

From the instant I could clearly see his face, I’d known it was over. I knew what I had to do now; Melanie was in agreement. As quietly as I could, I took a step to the side and slightly back, so that I would be clear of Ian. Then I closed my eyes.

“Don’t happen to have it on me,” Jeb drawled.

I peeked through narrowed eyes as Jared whirled to assess the truth of Jeb’s claim.

Jared’s breath whistled angrily through his nostrils. “Fine,” he muttered. He took another step toward me. “It will be slower this way, though. It would be more humane if you were to find that gun fast.”

“Please, Jared, let’s talk,” Ian said, planting his feet firmly as he spoke, already knowing the answer.

“I think there’s been too much talk,” Jared growled. “Jeb left this up to me, and I’ve made my decision.”

Jeb cleared his throat noisily. Jared spun halfway around to look at him again.

“What?” he demanded. “You made the rule, Jeb.”

“Well, now, that’s true.”

Jared turned back toward me. “Ian, get out of my way.”

“Well, well, hold on a sec,” Jeb went on. “If you recall, the rule was that whoever the body belonged to got to make the decision.”

A vein in Jared’s forehead pulsed visibly. “And?”

“Seems to me like there’s someone here with a claim just as strong as yours. Mebbe stronger.”

Jared stared straight ahead, processing this. After a slow moment, understanding furrowed his brow. He looked down at the boy still hanging on his arm.

All the joy had drained from Jamie’s face, leaving it pale and horrorstruck.

“You can’t, Jared,” he choked. “You wouldn’t. Wanda’s good. She’s my friend! And Mel! What about Mel? You can’t kill Mel! Please! You have to -” He broke off, his expression agonized.

I closed my eyes again, trying to block the picture of the suffering boy from my mind. It was already almost impossible not to go to him. I locked my muscles in place, promising myself that it wouldn’t help him if I moved now.

“So,” Jeb said, his tone far too conversational for the moment, “you can see that Jamie’s not in agreement. I figure he’s got as much say as you do.”

There was no answer for so long that I had to open my eyes again.

Jared was staring at Jamie’s anguished, fearful face with his own kind of horror.

“How could you let this happen, Jeb?” he whispered.

“There is a need for some talk,” Jeb answered. “Why don’t you take a breather first, though? Maybe you’ll feel more up to conversation after a bath.”

Jared glared balefully at the old man, his eyes full of the shock and pain of the betrayed. I had only human comparisons for such a look. Caesar and Brutus, Jesus and Judas.

The unbearable tension lasted through another long minute, and then Jared shook Jamie’s fingers off his arm.

“Kyle,” Jared barked, turning and stalking out of the room.

Kyle gave his brother a parting grimace and followed.

The other dirty members of the expedition went after them silently, Paige tucked securely under Andy’s arm.

Most of the other humans, all those who had hung their heads in shame for admitting me into their society, shuffled out behind them. Only Jamie, Jeb, and Ian beside me, and Trudy, Geoffrey, Heath, Lily, Wes, and Walter stayed.

No one spoke until the echoes of their footsteps faded away into silence.

“Whew!” Ian breathed. “That was close. Nice thinking, Jeb.”

“Inspiration in desperation. But we’re not out of the woods yet,” Jeb answered.

“Don’t I know it! You didn’t leave the gun anywhere obvious, did you?”

“Nope. I figured this might be comin’ on soon.”

“That’s something, at least.”

Jamie was trembling, alone in the space left by the exodus. Surrounded by those I had to count as friends, I felt able to walk to his side. He threw his arms around my waist, and I patted his back with shaky hands.

“It’s okay,” I lied in a whisper. “It’s okay.” I knew even a fool would hear the false note in my voice, and Jamie was not a fool.

“He won’t hurt you,” Jamie said thickly, struggling against the tears I could see in his eyes. “I won’t let him.”

“Shh,” I murmured.

I was appalled-I could feel that my face was fixed in lines of horror. Jared was right-how could Jeb have let this happen? If they’d killed me the first day here, before Jamie had ever seen me… Or that first week, while Jared kept me isolated from everyone, before Jamie and I had become friends… Or if I had just kept my mouth shut about Melanie… It was too late for all that. My arms tightened around the child.

Melanie was just as aghast. My poor baby.

I told you it was a bad idea to tell him everything, I reminded her.

What will it do to him now, when we die?

It’s going to be terrible. He’ll be traumatized and scarred and devastated -

Melanie interrupted me. Enough. I know, I know. But what can we do?

Not die, I suppose.

Melanie and I thought about the likelihood of our survival and felt despair.

Ian thumped Jamie on the back-I could feel the motion reverberate through both our bodies.

“Don’t agonize over it, kid,” he said. “You’re not in this alone.”

“They’re just shocked, that’s all.” I recognized Trudy’s alto voice behind me. “Once we get a chance to explain, they’ll see reason.”

“See reason? Kyle?” someone hissed almost unintelligibly.

“We knew this was coming,” Jeb muttered. “Just got to weather it. Storms pass.”

“Maybe you ought to find that gun,” Lily suggested calmly. “Tonight might be a long one. Wanda can stay with Heidi and me -”

“I think it might be better to keep her somewhere else,” Ian disagreed. “Maybe in the southern tunnels? I’ll keep an eye on her. Jeb, wanna lend me a hand?”

“They wouldn’t look for her with me.” Walter’s offer was just a whisper.

Wes spoke over the last of Walter’s words. “I’ll tag along with you, Ian. There’re six of them.”

“No,” I finally managed to choke out. “No. That’s not right. You shouldn’t fight with each other. You all belong here. You belong together. Not fighting, not because of me.”

I pulled Jamie’s arms from around my waist, holding his wrists when he tried to stop me.

“I just need a minute to myself,” I told him, ignoring all the stares I could feel on my face. “I need to be alone.” I turned my head to find Jeb. “And you should have a chance to discuss this without me listening. It’s not fair-having to discuss strategy in front of the enemy.”

“Now, don’t be like that,” Jeb said.

“Let me have some time to think, Jeb.”

I stepped away from Jamie, dropping his hands. A hand fell on my shoulder, and I cringed.

It was just Ian. “It’s not a good idea for you to be wandering around by yourself.”

I leaned toward him and tried to pitch my voice so low that Jamie wouldn’t hear me clearly. “Why prolong the inevitable? Will it get easier or harder for him?”

I thought I knew the answer to my last question. I ducked under Ian’s hand and broke into a run, sprinting for the exit.

“Wanda!” Jamie called after me.

Someone quickly shushed him. There were no footsteps behind me. They must have seen the wisdom of letting me go.

The hall was dark and deserted. If I was lucky, I’d be able to cut around the edge of the big garden plaza in the dark with no one the wiser.

In all my time here, the one thing I’d never found was the way out. It seemed as if I’d been down every tunnel time and again, and I’d never seen an opening I hadn’t eventually explored in search of one thing or another. I thought about it now as I crept through the deepest shadowed corners of the big cave. Where could the exit be? And I thought about this: if I could figure that puzzle out, would I be able to leave?

I couldn’t think of anything worth leaving for-certainly not the desert waiting outside, but also not the Seeker, not the Healer, not my Comforter, not my life before, which had left such a shallow impression on me. Everything that really mattered was with me here. Jamie. Though he would kill me, Jared. I couldn’t imagine walking away from either of them.

And Jeb. Ian. I had friends now. Doc, Trudy, Lily, Wes, Walter, Heath. Strange humans who could overlook what I was and see something they didn’t have to kill. Maybe it was just curiosity, but regardless of that, they were willing to side with me against the rest of their tight-knit family of survivors. I shook my head in wonder as I traced the rough rock with my hands.

I could hear others in the cavern, on the far side from me. I didn’t pause; they could not see me here, and I’d just found the crevice I was looking for.

After all, there was really only one place for me to go. Even if I could somehow have guessed the way to escape, I would still have gone this way. I crept into the blackest darkness imaginable and hurried along my way.

Categories: The Host