The Host - Chapter 58

Completed

It was a small tribunal this time, not like the trial for Kyle’s life. Ian brought only Jeb, Doc, and Jared. He knew without having to be told that Jamie must not be allowed anywhere near these proceedings.

Melanie would have to give that goodbye for me. I couldn’t face that, not with Jamie. I didn’t care if it was cowardly of me. I wouldn’t do it.

Just one blue lamp, one dim circle of light on the stone floor. We sat on the edge of the ring of light; I was alone, the four men facing me. Jeb had even brought his gun-as if it were a gavel and would make this more official.

The smell of sulfur brought back the painful days of my mourning; there were some memories that I would not regret losing when I was gone.

“How is she?” I asked Doc urgently as they settled in, before they could get started. This tribunal was a waste of my small store of time. I was worried about more important things.

“Which one?” he responded in a weary voice.

I stared at him for a few seconds, and then my eyes grew wide. “Sunny’s gone? Already?”

“Kyle thought it was cruel to make her suffer longer. She was… unhappy.”

“I wish I could have said goodbye,” I murmured to myself. “And good luck. How is Jodi?”

“No response yet.”

“The Healer’s body?”

“Trudy took her away. I think they went to get her something to eat. They’re working on finding a temporary name she likes, so we can call her something besides the body.” He smiled wryly.

“She’ll be fine. I’m sure she will,” I said, trying to believe the words. “And Jodi, too. It will all work out.”

No one called me on my lies. They knew I was saying this for myself.

Doc sighed. “I don’t want to be away from Jodi long. She might need something.”

“Right,” I agreed. “Let’s get this over with.” The quicker the better. Because it didn’t matter what was said here; Doc had agreed to my terms. And yet there was some stupid part of me that hoped… hoped that there was a solution that would make everything perfect and let me stay with Ian and Mel with Jared in a way that absolutely no one would suffer for. Best to crush that impossible hope quickly.

“Okay,” Jeb said. “Wanda, what’s your side?”

“I’m giving Melanie back.” Firm, short-no reasons to argue against.

“Ian, what’s yours?”

“We need Wanda here.”

Firm, short-he was copying me.

Jeb nodded to himself. “That’s a tricky one. Wanda, why should I agree with you?”

“If it were you, you’d want your body back. You can’t deny Melanie that.”

“Ian?” Jeb asked.

“We have to look at the greater good, Jeb. Wanda’s already brought us more health and security than we’ve ever had. She’s vital to the survival of our community-of the entire human race. One person can’t stand in the way of that.”

He’s right.

Nobody asked you.

Jared spoke up. “Wanda, what does Mel say?”

Ha, Mel said.

I stared into Jared’s eyes, and the strangest thing happened. All the melting and melding I had just been through was shoved aside, into the smallest part of my body, the little corner that I took up physically. The rest of me yearned toward Jared with the same desperate, half-crazed hunger I’d felt since the first time I’d seen him here. This body barely belonged to me or to Melanie-it belonged to him.

There really wasn’t room enough for the two of us in here.

“Melanie wants her body back. She wants her life back.”

Liar. Tell them the truth.

No.

“Liar,” Ian said. “I can see you arguing with her. I’ll bet she agrees with me. She’s a good person. She knows how much we need you.”

“Mel knows everything I know. She’ll be able to help you. And the Healer’s host. She knows more than I ever did. You’ll be fine. You were fine before I was here. You’ll survive, just like before.”

Jeb blew out a puff of air, frowning. “I don’t know, Wanda. Ian’s got a point.”

I glared at the old man and saw that Jared was doing the same. I looked away from that standoff to level a grim glance at Doc.

Doc met my eyes, and his face clenched with pain. He understood the reminder I was giving him. He’d promised. This tribunal didn’t overrule that.

Ian was watching Jared-he didn’t see our silent exchange.

“Jeb,” Jared protested. “There’s only one decision here. You know that.”

“Is there, kid? Seems to me there’s a whole barrel of ’em.”

“That’s Melanie’s body!”

“And Wanda’s, too.”

Jared choked on his response and had to start over. “You can’t leave Mel trapped in there-it’s like murder, Jeb.”

Ian leaned forward into the light, his face suddenly furious again. “And what is it that you’re doing to Wanda, Jared? And the rest of us, if you take her away?”

“You don’t care about the rest of anybody! You just want to keep Wanda at Melanie’s expense-nothing else matters to you.”

“And you want to have Melanie at Wanda’s expense-nothing else matters to you! So, with those things being equal, it comes down to what’s best for everyone else.”

“No! It comes down to what Melanie wants! That’s her body!”

They were both crouched halfway between sitting and standing now, their fists clenched and their faces twisted with rage.

“Cool it, boys! Cool it right now,” Jeb ordered. “This is a tribunal, and we’re going to stay calm and keep our heads. We’ve got to think about every side.”

“Jeb -” Jared began.

“Shut up.” Jeb chewed on his lip for a while. “Okay, here’s how I see it. Wanda’s right -”

Ian lurched to his feet.

“Hold it! Sit yourself back down. Let me finish.”

Jeb waited until Ian, the tendons standing out in his taut neck, stiffly returned to a seated position.

“Wanda is right,” Jeb said. “Mel needs her body back. But,” he added quickly when Ian tensed again, “but I don’t agree with the rest, Wanda. I think we need you pretty bad, kid. We got Seekers out there lookin’ for us, and you can talk right to ’em. The rest of us can’t do that. You save lives. I got to think about the welfare of my household.”

Jared spoke through his teeth. “So we get her another body. Obviously.”

Doc’s crumpled face lifted. Jeb’s white caterpillar eyebrows touched his hairline. Ian’s eyes widened and his lips pursed. He stared at me, considering…

“No! No!” I shook my head frantically.

“Why not, Wanda?” Jeb asked. “Don’t sound like a half-bad idea to me.”

I swallowed and took a deep breath so my voice wouldn’t turn hysterical. “Jeb. Listen to me carefully, Jeb. I am tired of being a parasite. Can you understand that? Do you think I want to go into another body and have this start all over again? Do I have to feel guilty forever for taking someone’s life away from them? Do I have to have someone else hate me? I’m barely a soul anymore-I love you brutish humans too much. It’s wrong for me to be here, and I hate feeling that.”

I took another breath and spoke through the tears that were falling now. “And what if things change? What if you put me in some-one else, steal another life, and it goes wrong? What if that body pulls me after some other love, back to the souls? What if you can’t trust me anymore? What if I betray you next time? I don’t want to hurt you!”

The first part was the pure and unadorned truth, but I was lying wildly through the second. I hoped they wouldn’t hear that. It would help that the words were barely coherent, my tears turned to sobs. I would never hurt them. What had happened to me here was permanent, a part of the very atoms that made up my small body. But maybe, if I gave them a reason to fear me, they would more easily accept what had to be.

And my lies worked, for once. I caught the worried glance Jared and Jeb exchanged. They hadn’t thought of that-of my becoming untrustworthy, becoming a danger. Ian was already moving to put his arms around me. He dried my tears against his chest.

“It’s okay, honey. You don’t have to be anyone else. Nothing’s going to change.”

“Hold on, Wanda,” Jeb said, his shrewd eyes suddenly sharper. “How does going to one of those other planets help you? You’ll still be a parasite, kid.”

Ian flinched around me at the harsh word.

And I flinched also, because Jeb was too insightful, as always.

They waited for my answer, all but Doc, who knew what the real answer was. The one I wouldn’t give.

I tried to say only true things. “It’s different on other planets, Jeb. There isn’t any resistance. And the hosts themselves are different. They aren’t as individualized as humans, their emotions are so much milder. It doesn’t feel like stealing a life. Not like it feels here. No one will hate me. And I’d be too far away to hurt you. You’d be safer…”

The last part sounded too much like the lie it was, so I let my voice trail off.

Jeb stared at me through narrowed eyes, and I looked away.

I tried not to look at Doc, but I couldn’t help one brief glance, to make sure he understood. His eyes locked on mine, clearly miserable, and I knew that he did.

As I quickly lowered my gaze, I caught Jared staring at Doc. Had he seen the silent communication?

Jeb sighed. “This is… a pickle.” His face turned into a grimace as he concentrated on the dilemma.

“Jeb -” Ian and Jared said together. They both stopped and scowled at each other.

This was all just a waste of time, and I had only hours. Just a few more hours, I knew that for certain now.

“Jeb,” I said softly, my voice barely audible over the spring’s gushing murmur, and everyone turned to me. “You don’t have to decide right now. Doc needs to check on Jodi, and I’d like to see her, too. Plus, I haven’t eaten all day. Why don’t you sleep on it? We can talk again tomorrow. We’ve got plenty of time to think about this.”

Lies. Could they tell?

“That’s a good idea, Wanda. I think everyone here could use a breather. Go get some food, and we’ll all sleep on it.”

I was very careful not to look at Doc now, even when I spoke to him.

“I’ll be along to help with Jodi after I eat, Doc. See you later.”

“Okay,” Doc said warily.

Why couldn’t he keep his tone casual? He was a human-he should have been a good liar.

“Hungry?” Ian murmured, and I nodded. I let him help me up. He latched on to my hand, and I knew he would be keeping a tight hold on me now. That didn’t worry me. He slept deeply, like Jamie.

As we walked from the dark room, I could feel eyes on my back, but I wasn’t sure whose.

Just a few more things to do. Three, to be precise. Three last deeds to be completed.

First, I ate.

It wouldn’t be nice to leave Mel with her body uncomfortable from hunger. Besides, the food was better since I’d been raiding. Something to look forward to rather than endure.

I made Ian get the food and bring it to me while I hid in the field where half-grown sprouts of wheat replaced the corn. I told Ian the truth so that he would help me: I was avoiding Jamie. I didn’t want Jamie frightened by this decision. It would be harder for him than for Jared or Ian-they each took one side. Jamie loved us both; he would be more evenly torn.

Ian did not argue with me. We ate in silence, his arm tight around my waist.

Second, I went to see Sunny and Jodi.

I expected to see three glowing cryotanks on top of Doc’s desk, and I was surprised that there were still just the two Healers, set in the center. Doc and Kyle hovered over the cot where Jodi lay inert. I walked quickly to them, about to demand to know where Sunny was, but when I got closer, I saw that Kyle had an occupied cryotank cradled in one arm.

“You’ll want to be gentle with that,” I murmured.

Doc was touching Jodi’s wrist, counting to himself. His lips pressed into a thin line when he heard my voice, and he had to begin over again.

“Yeah, Doc told me that,” Kyle said, his gaze never leaving Jodi’s face. A dark, matched set of bruises was forming under his eyes. Was his nose broken again? “I’m being careful. I just… didn’t want to leave her alone over there. She was so sad and so… sweet.”

“I’m sure she’d appreciate it, if she knew.”

He nodded, still staring at Jodi. “Is there something I’m supposed to be doing here? Is there some way to help?”

“Talk to her, say her name, talk about things she’ll remember. Talk about Sunny, even. That helped with the Healer’s host.”

“Mandy,” Doc corrected. “She says it’s not exactly right, but it’s close.”

“Mandy,” I repeated. Not that I would need to remember. “Where is she?”

“With Trudy-that was a good call there. Trudy’s exactly the right person. I think she’s gotten her to sleep.”

“That’s good. Mandy will be okay.”

“I hope so.” Doc smiled, but it didn’t affect his gloomy expression much. “I’ve got lots of questions for her.”

I looked at the small woman-it was still impossible to believe that she was older than the body I wore. Her face was slack and vacant. It frightened me a little-she’d been so vibrantly alive when Sunny was inside. Would Mel…?

I’m still here.

I know. You’ll be fine.

Like Lacey. She winced, and so did I.

Never like Lacey.

I touched Jodi’s arm softly. She was much like Lacey in some ways. Olive skinned and black haired and tiny. They could almost be sisters, except that Jodi’s sweet, wan face could never look so repellent.

Kyle was tongue-tied, holding her hand.

“Like this, Kyle,” I said. I brushed her arm again. “Jodi? Jodi, can you hear me? Kyle’s waiting for you, Jodi. He got himself in a lot of trouble getting you here-everybody who knows him wants to beat him senseless.” I grinned wryly at the big man, and his lips curled up at the corners, though he didn’t look up to see my smile.

“Not that you’re surprised to hear that,” Ian said beside me. “When hasn’t that been the case, eh, Jodi? It’s good to see you again, sweetheart. Though I wonder if you feel the same way. Must have been a nice break to get rid of this idiot for so long.”

Kyle hadn’t noticed his brother was there, attached like a vise to my hand, until Ian spoke.

“You remember Ian, of course. Never has managed to catch up to me in anything, but he keeps trying. Hey, Ian,” Kyle added, never moving his eyes, “you got anything you want to say to me?”

“Not really.”

“I’m waiting for an apology.”

“Keep waiting.”

“Can you believe he kicked me in the face, Jodes? For no reason at all.”

“Who needs an excuse, eh, Jodi?”

It was oddly pleasant, the banter between the brothers. Jodi’s presence kept it light and teasing. Gentle and funny. I would have woken up for this. If I were her, I would have been smiling already.

“Keep it up, Kyle,” I murmured. “That’s just right. She’ll come around.”

I wished I would get to meet her, to see what she was like. I could only picture Sunny’s expressions.

What would it be like for everyone here, meeting Melanie for the first time? Would it seem the same to them, as if there were no difference? Would they really grasp that I was gone, or would Melanie simply fill the role I had?

Maybe they would find her entirely different. Maybe they would have to adjust to her all over again. Maybe she would fit in the way I never had. I pictured her, which was picturing me, the center of a crowd of friendly faces. Pictured us with Freedom in our arms and all the humans who had never trusted me smiling with welcome.

Why did that bring tears to my eyes? Was I really so petty?

No, Mel assured me. And they’ll miss you-of course they will. All the best people here will feel your loss.

She seemed to finally accept my decision.

Not accept, she disagreed. I just can’t see any way to stop you. And I can feel how close it is. I’m scared, too. Isn’t that funny? I’m absolutely terrified.

That makes two of us.

“Wanda?” Kyle said.

“Yes?”

“I’m sorry.”

“Um… why?”

“For trying to kill you,” he said casually. “Guess I was wrong.”

Ian gasped. “Please tell me you have some kind of recording device available, Doc.”

“Nope. Sorry, Ian.”

Ian shook his head. “This moment should be preserved. I never thought I’d live to see the day that Kyle O’Shea would admit to being wrong. C’mon, Jodi. That ought to shock you awake.”

“Jodi, baby, don’t you want to defend me? Tell Ian I never have been wrong before.” He chuckled.

That was nice. It was nice to know that I’d earned Kyle’s acceptance before I left. I hadn’t expected that much.

There was no more I could do here. There was no point in lingering. Jodi would either come back or she would not, but neither outcome would change my path now.

So I proceeded to my third and final deed: I lied.

I stepped away from the cot, took a deep breath, and stretched my arms.

“I’m tired, Ian,” I said.

Was it really a lie? It didn’t sound so false. It had been a long, long day, this, my last day. I’d been up all night, I realized. I hadn’t slept since that last raid; I must have been exhausted.

Ian nodded. “I’ll bet you are. Did you stay up with the Heal-with Mandy all night?”

“Yeah.” I yawned.

“Have a nice night, Doc,” Ian said, pulling me toward the exit. “Good luck, Kyle. We’ll be back in the morning.”

“Night, Kyle,” I murmured. “See you, Doc.”

Doc glowered at me, but Ian’s back was to him, and Kyle was staring at Jodi. I returned Doc’s glare with a steady gaze.

Ian walked with me through the black tunnel, saying nothing. I was glad he wasn’t in the mood for conversation. I wouldn’t have been able to concentrate on it. My stomach was twisting and turning, wringing itself into strange contortions.

I was done, all my tasks accomplished. I only had to wait a bit now and not fall asleep. Tired as I was, I didn’t think that would be a problem. My heart was pounding like a fist hitting my ribs from the inside.

No more stalling. It had to be tonight, and Mel knew that, too. What had happened today with Ian had shown me that. The longer I stayed, the more tears and arguments and fights I would cause. The better the chance that I or someone else would slip up and Jamie would find out the truth. Let Mel explain it after the fact. It would be better that way.

Thanks so much, Mel thought; her words flowed fast, in a burst, her fear marring her sarcasm.

Sorry. You don’t mind too much?

She sighed. How can I mind? I’d do anything you asked me to, Wanda.

Take care of them for me.

I would have done that anyway.

Ian, too.

If he’ll let me. I’ve got a feeling he might not like me so much.

Even if he won’t let you.

I’ll do whatever I can for him, Wanda. I promise.

Ian paused in the hall outside the red and gray doors to his room. He raised his eyebrows, and I nodded. Let him think I was still hiding from Jamie. That was true, too.

Ian slid the red door aside, and I went straight to the mattress on the right. I balled up there, knotting my shaking hands in front of my hammering heart, trying to hide them behind my knees.

Ian curled around me, holding me close to his chest. This would have been fine-I knew that he would end up sprawled out in all directions when he was really asleep-except that he could feel my trembling.

“It’s going to be fine, Wanda. I know we’ll find a solution.”

“I truly love you, Ian.” It was the only way I could tell him goodbye. The only way he would accept. I knew he would remember later and understand. “With my whole soul, I love you.”

“I truly love you, too, my Wanderer.”

He nuzzled his face against mine until he found my lips, then he kissed me, slow and gentle, the flow of molten rock swelling languidly in the dark at the center of the earth, until my shaking slowed.

“Sleep, Wanda. Save it for tomorrow. It will keep for the night.”

I nodded, moving my face against his, and sighed.

Ian was tired, too. I didn’t have to wait long. I stared at the ceiling-the stars had moved above the cracks here. I could see three of them now, where before there had been only two. I watched them wink and pulse across the blackness of space. They did not call to me. I had no desire to join them.

One at a time, Ian’s arms fell away from me. He flopped onto his back, muttering in his sleep. I didn’t dare wait any longer; I wanted too badly to stay, to fall asleep with him and steal one more day.

I moved cautiously, but he was in no danger of waking. His breathing was heavy and even. He wouldn’t open his eyes till morning.

I brushed his smooth forehead with my lips, then rose and slid out the door.

It was not late, and the caves were not empty. I could hear voices bouncing around, strange echoes that might have been coming from anywhere. I didn’t see anyone until I was in the big cave. Geoffrey, Heath, and Lily were on their way back from the kitchen. I kept my eyes down, though I was very glad to see Lily. In the brief glimpse I allowed myself, I could see that she was at least standing upright, her shoulders straight. Lily was tough. Like Mel. She’d make it, too.

I hurried to the southern corridor, relieved when I was safe in the blackness there. Relieved and horrified. It was really over now.

I’m so afraid, I whimpered.

Before Mel could respond, a heavy hand dropped on my shoulder from the darkness.

“Going somewhere?”

Categories: The Host

The Host - Chapter 59

Remembered

The beginning would feel like the end. I’d been warned.

But this time the end was a greater surprise than it had ever been. Greater than any end I’d remembered in nine lives. Greater than jumping down an elevator shaft. I had expected no more memories, no more thoughts. What end was this?

The sun is setting-the colors are all rosy, and they make me think of my friend… what would her name be here? Something about… ruffles? Ruffles and more ruffles. She was a beautiful Flower. The flowers here are so lifeless and boring. They smell wonderful, though. Smells are the best part of this place.

Footsteps behind me. Has Cloud Spinner followed me again? I don’t need a jacket. It’s warm here-finally!-and I want to feel the air on my skin. I won’t look at her. Maybe she’ll think I can’t hear and she’ll go home. She is so careful with me, but I’m almost grown now. She can’t mother me forever.

“Excuse me?” someone says, and I don’t know the voice.

I turn to look at her, and I don’t know the face, either. She’s pretty.

The face in the memory jerked me back to myself. That was my face! But I didn’t remember this…

“Hi,” I say.

“Hello. My name is Melanie.” She smiles at me. “I’m new in town and… I think I’m lost.”

“Oh! Where are you trying to go? I’ll take you. Our car is just back -”

“No, it’s not far. I was going for a walk, but now I can’t find my way back to Becker Street.”

She’s a new neighbor-how nice. I love new friends.

“You’re very close,” I tell her. “It’s just around the second corner up that way, but you can cut right through this little alley here. It takes you straight there.”

“Could you show me? I’m sorry, what’s your name?”

“Of course! Come with me. I’m Petals Open to the Moon, but my family mostly calls me Pet. Where are you from, Melanie?”

She laughs. “Do you mean San Diego or the Singing World, Pet?”

“Either one.” I laugh, too. I like her smile. “There are two Bats on this street. They live in that yellow house with the pine trees.”

“I’ll have to say hello,” she murmurs, but her voice has changed, tensed. She’s looking into the dusky alley as though she’s expecting to see something.

And there is something there. Two people, a man and a boy. The boy drags his hand through his long black hair like he’s nervous. Maybe he is worried because he’s lost, too. His pretty eyes are wide and excited. The man is very still.

Jamie. Jared. My heart thumped, but the feeling was peculiar, wrong. Too small and… fluttery.

“These are my friends, Pet,” Melanie tells me.

“Oh! Oh, hello.” I stretch my hand out to the man-he’s the closest.

He reaches for my hand, and his grip is so strong.

He yanks me forward, right up to his body. I don’t understand. This feels wrong. I don’t like it.

My heart beats faster, and I’m afraid. I’ve never been scared like this before. I don’t understand.

His hand swings toward my face, and I gasp. I suck in the mist that comes from his hand. A silver cloud that tastes like raspberries.

“Wha -” I want to ask, but I can’t see them anymore. I can’t see anything…

There was no more.

“Wanda? Can you hear me, Wanda?” a familiar voice asked.

That wasn’t the right name… was it? My ears didn’t react to it, but something did. Wasn’t I Petals Open to the Moon? Pet? Was that it? That didn’t feel right, either. My heart beat faster, an echo of the fear in my memory. A vision of a woman with white-and-red-streaked hair and kind green eyes filled my head. Where was my mother? But… she wasn’t my mother, was she?

A sound, a low voice that echoed around me. “Wanda. Come back. We aren’t letting you go.”

The voice was familiar, and it was also not. It sounded like… me?

Where was Petals Open to the Moon? I couldn’t find her. Just a thousand empty memories. A house full of pictures but no inhabitants.

“Use the Awake,” a voice said. I didn’t recognize this one.

Something brushed my face, light as the touch of fog. I knew that scent. It was the smell of grapefruit.

I took a deeper breath, and my mind suddenly cleared.

I could feel that I was lying down… but this felt wrong, too. There wasn’t… enough of me. I felt shrunken.

My hands were warmer than the rest of me, and that was because they were being held. Held in big hands, hands that swallowed them right up.

It smelled odd-stuffy and a little moldy. I remembered the smell… but surely I’d never smelled it before in my life.

I saw nothing but dull red-the insides of my eyelids. I wanted to open them, so I went searching for the right muscles to do that.

“Wanderer? We’re all waiting for you, honey. Open your eyes.”

This voice, this warm breath against my ear, was even more familiar. A strange feeling tickled through my veins at the sound. A feeling I’d never, ever felt before. The sound made my breath catch and my fingers tremble.

I wanted to see the face that went with that voice.

A color washed through my mind-a color that called to me from a faraway life-a brilliant, glowing blue. The whole universe was bright blue…

And finally I knew my name. Yes, that was right. Wanderer. I was Wanderer. Wanda, too. I remembered that now.

A light touch on my face-a warm pressure on my lips, on my eyelids. Ah, that’s where they were. I could make them blink now that I’d found them.

“She’s waking up!” someone crowed excitedly.

Jamie. Jamie was here. My heart gave another fluttery little thump.

It took a moment for my eyes to focus. The blue that stabbed my eyes was all wrong-too pale, too washed out. It wasn’t the blue I wanted.

A hand touched my face. “Wanderer?”

I looked to the sound. The movement of my head on my neck felt so odd. It didn’t feel like it used to, but at the same time it felt the way it had always felt.

My searching eyes found the blue I’d been looking for. Sapphire, snow, and midnight.

“Ian? Ian, where am I?” The sound of the voice coming out of my throat frightened me. So high and trilling. Familiar, but not mine. “Who am I?”

“You’re you,” Ian told me. “And you’re right where you belong.”

I pulled one of my hands free from the giant’s hand that held it. I meant to touch my face, but someone’s hand reached toward me, and I froze.

The reaching hand also froze above me.

I tried to move my hand again, to protect myself, but that moved the hand above me. I started shaking, and the hand trembled.

Oh.

I opened and closed the hand, looking at it carefully.

Was this my hand, this tiny thing? It was a child’s hand, except for the long pink-and-white nails, filed into perfect, smooth curves. The skin was fair, with a strange silvery cast to it and, entirely incongruous, a scattering of golden freckles.

It was the odd combination of silver and gold that brought the image back: I could see a face in my head, reflected in a mirror.

The setting of the memory threw me off for a moment because I wasn’t used to so much civilization-at the same time, I knew nothing but civilization. A pretty dresser with all kinds of frilly and delicate things on top of it. A profusion of dainty glass bottles containing the scents I loved-I loved? Or she loved?-so much. A potted orchid. A set of silver combs.

The big round mirror was framed in a wreath of metal roses. The face in the mirror was roundish, too, not quite oval. Small. The skin on the face had the same silver undertone-silver like moonlight-as the hand did, with another handful of the golden freckles across the bridge of the nose. Wide gray eyes, the silver of the soul shimmering faintly behind the soft color, framed by tangled golden lashes. Pale pink lips, full and almost round, like a baby’s. Small, even white teeth behind them. A dimple in the chin. And everywhere, everywhere, golden, waving hair that stood away from my face in a bright halo and fell below where the mirror showed.

My face or her face?

It was the perfect face for a Night Flower. Like an exact translation from Flower to human.

“Where is she?” my high, reedy voice demanded. “Where is Pet?” Her absence frightened me. I’d never seen a more defenseless creature than this half-child with her moonlight face and sunlight hair.

“She’s right here,” Doc assured me. “Tanked and ready to go. We thought you could tell us the best place to send her.”

I looked toward his voice. When I saw him standing in the sunlight, a lit cryotank in his hands, a rush of memories from my former life came back to me.

“Doc!” I gasped in the tiny, fragile voice. “Doc, you promised! You gave me your oath, Eustace! Why? Why did you break your word?”

A dim recollection of misery and pain touched me. This body had never felt such agony before. It shied away from the sting.

“Even an honest man sometimes caves to duress, Wanda.”

“Duress,” another terribly familiar voice scoffed.

“I’d say a knife to the throat counts as duress, Jared.”

“You knew I wouldn’t really use it.”

“That I did not. You were quite persuasive.”

“A knife?” My body trembled.

“Shh, it’s all okay,” Ian murmured. His breath blew strands of golden hair across my face, and I brushed them away-a routine gesture. “Did you really think you could leave us that way? Wanda!” He sighed, but the sigh was joyful.

Ian was happy. This insight made my worry suddenly much lighter, easier to bear.

“I told you I didn’t want to be a parasite,” I whispered.

“Let me through,” my old voice ordered. And then I could see my face, the strong one, with the sun-brown skin, the straight black line of the eyebrows over the almond-shaped, hazel eyes, the high, sharp cheekbones… See it backward, not as a reflection, the way I’d always seen it before.

“Listen up, Wanda. I know exactly what you don’t want to be. But we’re human, and we’re selfish, and we don’t always do the right thing. We aren’t going to let you go. Deal with it.”

The way she spoke, the cadence and the tone, not the voice, brought back all the silent conversations, the voice in my head, my sister.

“Mel? Mel, you’re okay!”

She smiled then and leaned over to hug my shoulders. She was bigger than I remembered being.

“Of course I am. Wasn’t that the point of all the drama? And you’re going to be fine, too. We weren’t stupid about it. We didn’t just grab the first body we saw.”

“Let me tell her, let me!” Jamie shoved in beside Mel. It was getting very crowded around the cot. It rocked, unstable.

I took his hand and squeezed it. My hands felt so feeble. Could he even feel the pressure?

“Jamie!”

“Hey, Wanda! This is cool, isn’t it? You’re smaller than me now!” He grinned, triumphant.

“But still older. I’m almost -” And then I stopped, changing my sentence abruptly. “My birthday is in two weeks.”

I might have been disoriented and confused, but I wasn’t stupid. Melanie’s experiences had not gone to waste; I had learned from them. Ian was every bit as honorable as Jared, and I was not going to go through the frustration Melanie had.

So I lied, giving myself an extra year. “I’ll be eighteen.”

From the corner of my eye, I saw Melanie and Ian stiffen in surprise. This body looked much younger than her true age, hovering on the edge of seventeen.

It was this little deception, this preemptive claiming of my partner, that made me realize I was staying here. That I would be with Ian and the rest of my family. My throat thickened, felt oddly swollen.

Jamie patted my face, calling my attention back. I was surprised at how big his hand felt on my cheek. “They let me come on the raid to get you.”

“I know,” I muttered. “I remember… Well, Pet remembers seeing you there.” I glared at Mel, who shrugged.

“We tried not to scare her,” Jamie said. “She’s so… kind of fragile-looking, you know? And nice, too. We picked her out together, but I got to decide! See, Mel said we had to get someone young-someone who had a bigger percentage of life as a soul or something. But not too young, because she knew you wouldn’t want to be a child. And then Jared liked this face, because he said no one could ever dis… distrust it. You don’t look dangerous at all. You look the opposite of dangerous. Jared said anyone who sees you would just naturally want to protect you, right, Jared? But then I got the final say, because I was looking for someone who looked like you. And I thought this looked like you. Because she sort of looks like an angel, and you’re good like that. And real pretty. I knew you would be pretty.” Jamie smiled hugely. “Ian didn’t come. He just sat here with you-he said he didn’t care what you looked like. He wouldn’t let anyone else put a finger on your tank at all, not even me or Mel. But Doc let me watch this time. It was way cool, Wanda. I don’t know why you wouldn’t let me watch before. They wouldn’t let me help, though. Ian wouldn’t let anyone touch you but him.”

Ian squeezed my hand and leaned in to whisper through all the hair. His voice was so low that I was the only one who could hear. “I held you in my hand, Wanderer. And you were so beautiful.”

My eyes got all wet, and I had to sniff.

“You like it, don’t you?” Jamie asked, his voice worried now. “You’re not mad? There’s nobody in there with you, is there?”

“I’m not mad, exactly,” I whispered. “And I-I can’t find anybody else. Just Pet’s memories. Pet’s been in here since… I can’t remember when she wasn’t here. I can’t remember any other name.”

“You’re not a parasite,” Melanie said firmly, touching my hair, pulling up a strand and letting the gold slide between her fingers. “This body didn’t belong to Pet, but there’s nobody else to claim it. We waited to make sure, Wanda. We tried to wake her up almost as long as we tried with Jodi.”

“Jodi? What happened to Jodi?” I chirped, my little voice going higher, like a bird’s, with anxiety. I struggled to get up, and Ian pulled me-it took no effort, no strength to move my tiny new body-into a sitting position with his arm supporting me. I could see all the faces then.

Doc, no more tears in his eyes. Jeb, peeking around Doc, his expression satisfied and burning with curiosity at the same time. Next, a woman I didn’t recognize for a second because her face was more animated than I’d ever seen it, and I hadn’t seen it much anyway-Mandy, the former Healer. Closer to me, Jamie, with his bright, excited smile, Melanie beside him, and Jared behind her, his hands around her waist. I knew that his hands would never feel right unless they were touching her body-my body!-now. That he would keep her as close as he could forever, hating any inch that came between them. This caused me a fierce, aching pain. The delicate heart in my thin chest shuddered. It had never been broken before, and it didn’t understand this memory.

It made me sorry to realize that I still loved Jared. I wasn’t free of that, wasn’t free of jealousy for the body he loved. My glance flickered back to Mel. I saw the rueful twist of the mouth that used to be mine, and knew she understood.

I continued quickly around the cluster of faces circling my bed, while Doc, after a pause, answered my question.

Trudy and Geoffrey, Heath, Paige and Andy. Brandt, even…

“Jodi didn’t respond. We kept trying as long as we could.”

Was Jodi gone, then? I wondered, my inexperienced heart throbbing. I was giving the poor frail thing such a rough awakening.

Heidi and Lily, Lily smiling a pained little smile-none the less sincere for the pain…

“We were able to keep her hydrated, but we had no way to feed her. We were worried about atrophy-her muscles, her brain…”

While my new heart ached harder than it had ever ached-ached for a woman I’d never known-my eyes continued around the circle and then froze.

Jodi, clinging to Kyle’s side, stared back at me.

She smiled tentatively, and suddenly I recognized her.

“Sunny!”

“I got to stay,” she said, not quite smug but almost. “Just like you.” She glanced at Kyle’s face-which was more stoic than I was used to seeing it-and her voice turned sad. “I’m trying, though. I am looking for her. I will keep looking.”

“Kyle had us put Sunny back when it looked like we would lose Jodi,” Doc continued quietly.

I stared at Sunny and Kyle for a moment, stunned, and then finished the circle.

Ian was watching me with a strange combination of joy and nervousness. His face was higher than it should have been, bigger than it used to be. But his eyes were still the blue I remembered. The anchor that held me to this planet.

“You okay in there?” he asked.

“I… I don’t know,” I admitted. “This feels very… weird. Every bit as weird as switching species. So much weirder than I would have thought. I… I don’t know.”

My heart fluttered again, looking into those eyes, and this was no memory of another lifetime’s love. My mouth felt dry, and my stomach quivered. The place where his arm touched my back felt more alive than the rest of my body.

“You don’t mind staying here too much, do you, Wanda? Do you think that maybe you could tolerate it?” he murmured.

Jamie squeezed my hand. Melanie put hers on top of his, then smiled when Jared added his to the pile. Trudy patted my foot. Geoffrey, Heath, Heidi, Andy, Paige, Brandt, and even Lily were beaming at me. Kyle had shuffled closer, a grin spreading across his face. Sunny’s smile was the smile of a coconspirator.

How much No Pain had Doc given me? Everything was glowing.

Ian brushed the cloud of golden hair back from my face and laid his hand on my cheek. His hand was so big just the palm covered from my jaw to my forehead; the contact sent a jolt of electricity through my silvery skin. It tingled after that first jolt, and the pit of my stomach tingled along with it.

I could feel a warm flush pinking my cheeks. My heart had never been broken before, but it had also never flown. It made me shy; I had a hard time finding my voice.

“I suppose I could do that,” I whispered. “If it makes you happy.”

“That’s not good enough, actually,” Ian disagreed. “It has to make you happy, too.”

I could only meet his gaze for a few seconds at a time; the shyness, so new and confusing to me, had my eyes dropping to my lap again and again.

“I… think it might,” I agreed. “I think it might make me very, very happy.”

Happy and sad, elated and miserable, secure and afraid, loved and denied, patient and angry, peaceful and wild, complete and empty… all of it. I would feel everything. It would all be mine.

Ian coaxed my face up until I looked him in the eyes, my cheeks flushing darker.

“Then you will stay.”

He kissed me, right in front of everyone, but I forgot the audience quickly. This was easy and right, no division, no confusion, no objection, just Ian and me, the molten rock moving through this new body, melding it into the pact.

“I will stay,” I agreed.

And my tenth life began.

EPILOGUE. Continued

I was not the same.

This was my first rebirth into a body of the same species. I found the transfer much more difficult than changing planets because I had so many expectations about being human already in place. Also, I’d inherited a lot of things from Petals Open to the Moon, and not all of them were pleasant.

I’d inherited a great deal of grief for Cloud Spinner. I missed the mother I’d never known and mourned for her suffering now. Perhaps there could be no joy on this planet without an equal weight of pain to balance it out on some unknown scale.

I’d inherited unexpected limitations. I was used to a body that was strong and fast and tall-a body that could run for miles, go without food and water, lift heavy weights, and reach high shelves. This body was weak-and not just physically. This body seized up with crippling shyness every time I was unsure of myself, which seemed to be often these days.

I’d inherited a different role in the human community. People carried things for me now and let me pass first into a room. They gave me the easiest chores and then, half the time, took the work right out of my hands anyway. Worse than that, I needed the help. My muscles were soft and not used to labor. I tired easily, and my attempts to hide that fooled no one. I probably couldn’t have run a mile without stopping.

There was more to this easy treatment than just my physical weakness, though. I was used to a pretty face, but one that people were able to look at with fear, mistrust, even hatred. My new face defied such emotions.

People touched my cheeks often, or put their fingers under my chin, holding my face up to see it better. I was frequently patted on my head (which was in easy reach, since I was shorter than everyone but the children), and my hair was stroked so regularly that I stopped noticing when it happened. Those who had never accepted me before did this as often as my friends. Even Lucina put up only a token resistance when her children began following me like two adoring puppies. Freedom, in particular, crawled onto my lap at every opportunity, burrowing his face in my hair. Isaiah was too big for such displays of affection, but he liked to hold my hand-just the same size as his-while chattering excitedly with me about Spiders and Dragons, soccer and raids. The children still wouldn’t go anywhere near Melanie; their mother had frightened them too thoroughly before for her reassurances to change things now.

Even Maggie and Sharon, though they still tried not to look at me, could not maintain their former rigidity in my presence.

My body was not the only change. The monsoons came late to the desert, and I was glad.

For one thing, I’d never smelled the rain on the creosotes before-I could only vaguely remember it from my memories of Melanie’s memories, a very dim trail of recall indeed-and now the scent washed out the musty caves, left them smelling fresh and almost spicy. The scent clung to my hair and followed me everywhere. I smelled it in my dreams.

Also, Petals Open to the Moon had lived in Seattle all her life, and the unbroken streak of blue skies and blistering heat was as bewildering-almost numbing-to my system as the dark press of heavy overcast skies would have been to any of these desert dwellers. The clouds were exciting, a change from the bland, featureless pale blue. They had depth and movement. They made pictures in the sky.

There was a great deal of reshuffling to be done in Jeb’s caves, and the move to the big game room-now the communal sleeping quarters-was good preparation for more permanent arrangements to follow.

Every space was needed, so rooms could not remain vacant. Still, only the newcomers, Candy-who had remembered her correct name at last-and Lacey, could bear to take Wes’s old space. I pitied Candy for her future roommate, but the Healer never betrayed any discontent at the prospect.

When the rains ended, Jamie would move into a free corner in Brandt and Aaron’s cave. Melanie and Jared had kicked Jamie out of their room and into Ian’s before I’d been reborn in Pet’s body; Jamie wasn’t so young that they’d needed to give him any excuse.

Kyle was working on widening the small crevice that had been Walter’s sleeping space so that it would be ready when the desert was dry again. It really wasn’t big enough for more than one, and Kyle would not be staying there alone.

At night in the game room, Sunny slept curled into a ball against Kyle’s chest, like a kitten who was friends with a big dog-a rottweiler whom she trusted implicitly. Sunny was always with Kyle. I couldn’t remember ever seeing them unattached since I’d opened these silver gray eyes for the first time.

Kyle seemed constantly bemused, too distracted by this impossible relationship he couldn’t quite wrap his head around to pay attention to much else. He wasn’t giving up on Jodi, but as Sunny clung to him, he held her to his side with gentle hands.

Before the rain, every space was taken, so I stayed with Doc in the hospital that no longer frightened me. The cots were not comfortable, but it was a very interesting place to be. Candy remembered the details of Summer Song’s life better than her own; the hospital was a place of miracles now.

After the rain, Doc would not be sleeping in the hospital anymore. The first night in the game room, Sharon had dragged her mattress right next to Doc’s without a word of explanation. Perhaps it was Doc’s fascination with the Healer that motivated Sharon, though I doubted Doc had even noticed how pretty the older woman was; his fascination was with her phenomenal knowledge. Or maybe it was just that Sharon was ready to forgive and forget. I hoped that was the case. It would be nice to think that even Sharon and Maggie might be softened over time.

I would not stay in the hospital anymore, either.

The crucial conversation with Ian might never have taken place if not for Jamie. My mouth would go all dry and my palms would sweat whenever I so much as thought of bringing it up. What if those feelings in the hospital, those few perfect moments of certainty right after I’d awoken in this body, had been illusion? What if I remembered them wrong? I knew that nothing had changed for me, but how could I be certain Ian felt the same? The body he’d fallen in love with was still right here!

I expected him to be unsettled-we all were. If it was difficult for me, a soul used to such changes, how hard must it be for the humans?

I was working to put the last of the jealousy and the perplexing echoes of the love I still felt for Jared behind me. I didn’t need or want them. Ian was the right partner for me. But sometimes I would catch myself staring at Jared and feel confused. I’d seen Melanie touch Ian’s arm or hand and then jerk away as if she’d suddenly remembered who she was. Even Jared, who had the least reason for uncertainty, would occasionally meet my confused gaze with a searching one of his own. And Ian… Of course it must have been hardest for him. I understood that.

We were together nearly as much as Kyle and Sunny. Ian constantly touched my face and hair, was always holding my hands. But who did not respond to this body that way? And wasn’t it platonic for everyone else? Why didn’t he kiss me again, the way he had that first day?

Maybe he could never love me inside this body, as appealing as it seemed to be to all the other humans here.

That worry was heavy in my heart the night Ian had carried my cot-because it was too heavy for me-to the big, dark game room.

It was raining for the first time in more than six months. There were both laughter and complaints as people shook out their damp bedding and arranged their places. I saw Sharon with Doc and smiled.

“Over here, Wanda,” Jamie called, waving me toward where he’d just set his mattress next to Ian’s. “There’s room for all three of us now.”

Jamie was the one person who treated me almost exactly the same as before. He did make allowances for my puny physique, but he never seemed surprised to see me enter a room or shocked when Wanderer’s words came through these lips.

“You don’t really want that cot, do you, Wanda? I’ll bet we could all fit okay on the mattresses if we shoved them together.” Jamie grinned at me while he kicked one mattress into the other without waiting for agreement. “You don’t take up much space.”

He took the cot from Ian and set it on its side, out of the way. Then Jamie stretched out on the very edge of the far mattress and turned his back to us.

“Oh, hey, Ian,” he added without turning. “I talked to Brandt and Aaron, and I think I’m going to move in with them. Well, I’m beat. Night, guys.”

I stared at Jamie’s unmoving form for a long moment. Ian was just as motionless. He couldn’t have been having a panic attack, too, though. Was he thinking of some way to extricate himself from the situation?

“Lights out,” Jeb bellowed from across the room. “Everybody shut yer trap so I can get some shut-eye.”

People laughed, but took him seriously as always. One by one, the four lamps were dimmed until the room was black.

Ian’s hand found mine; it was warm. Did he notice how cold and sweaty my skin was?

He sank to his knees on the mattress, tugging me gently along. I followed and lay down on the seam between the beds. He kept my hand.

“Is this okay?” Ian whispered. There were other hushed conversations going on around us, made indistinct by the rush of the sulfur spring.

“Yes, thank you,” I answered.

Jamie rolled over, shaking the mattress and knocking into me. “Oops, sorry, Wanda,” he murmured, and then I heard him yawn.

Automatically, I shifted out of his way. Ian was closer than I’d thought. I gasped quietly when I ran into him, then tried to give him some room. His arm was suddenly around me, holding me to his body.

It was the strangest feeling; having Ian’s arm around me in this very nonplatonic way reminded me oddly of my first experience with No Pain. Like I’d been in agony without realizing it, and his touch had taken all the hurt away.

That feeling erased my shyness. I rolled so that I was facing him, and he tightened his arm around me.

“Is this okay?” I whispered, repeating his question.

He kissed my forehead. “Better than okay.”

We were silent for a few minutes. Most of the other conversations had died out.

He bent down so that his lips were at my ear and whispered, quieter than before, “Wanda, do you think…?” He fell silent.

“Yes?”

“Well, it looks like I have a room all to myself now. That’s not right.”

“No. There’s not enough space for you to be alone.”

“I don’t want to be alone. But…”

Why wouldn’t he ask? “But what?”

“Have you had enough time to sort things out yet? I don’t want to rush you. I know it’s confusing… with Jared…”

It took me a moment to process what he was saying, but then I giggled quietly. Melanie wasn’t much given to giggling, but Pet had been, and her body betrayed me at this most inopportune moment.

“What?” he demanded.

“I was giving you time to sort things out,” I explained in a whisper. “I didn’t want to rush you-because I know it’s confusing. With Melanie.”

He jumped just a little in surprise. “You thought…? But Melanie isn’t you. I was never confused.”

I was smiling in the dark now. “And Jared isn’t you.”

His voice was tighter when he answered. “But he’s still Jared. And you love him.”

Ian was jealous again? I shouldn’t have been pleased by negative emotions, but I had to admit this was encouraging.

“Jared is my past, another life. You are my present.”

He was quiet for a moment. When he spoke again, his voice was rough with emotion. “And your future, if you want that.”

“Yes, please.”

And then he kissed me in the most unplatonic way possible under the crowded circumstances, and I was thrilled to remember that I’d been smart enough to lie about my age.

The rains would end, and when they did, Ian and I would be together, partners in the truest sense. This was a promise and an obligation I had never had in all my lives. Thinking of it made me feel joyful and anxious and shy and desperately impatient all at the same time-made me feel human.

After all this had been settled, Ian and I were more inseparable than ever. So when it came time for me to test my new face on the other souls, of course he went with me.

This raid was a relief for me after long weeks of frustration. It was bad enough that my new body was weak and nearly useless in the caves; I couldn’t believe it when the others didn’t want to let me use my body for the one thing it was perfect for.

Jared had specifically approved of Jamie’s choice because of this guileless, vulnerable face that no one could ever doubt, this delicate build that anyone would be motivated to protect, but even he had a hard time putting his theory into practice. I was sure raiding would be every bit as easy for me now as it had been before, but Jared, Jeb, Ian, and the others-everyone but Jamie and Mel-debated for days, trying to find a way around using me for that. It was ridiculous.

I saw them eyeing Sunny, but she was still unproven, not trusted. On top of that, Sunny had absolutely no intention of setting one foot outside. The very word raid had her cowering in terror. Kyle would not go out with us; Sunny had gone hysterical the one time he’d mentioned it.

In the end, practicality had won out. I was needed.

It was good to be needed.

Supplies had been dwindling; this would be a long, thorough trip. Jared was leading the raid, as usual, so it went without saying that Melanie was included. Aaron and Brandt volunteered, not that we really needed the muscle; they were tired of being cooped up.

We were going far to the north, and I was excited to see the new places-to feel the cold again.

Excitement got a bit out of hand in this body. I was bouncy and hyper the night we drove to the rock slide where the van and the big moving truck were hidden. Ian was laughing at me because I could hardly hold still as we loaded the clothes and sundries we would need into the van. He held my hand, he said, to tether me to the surface of the planet.

Was I too loud? Too oblivious to my surroundings? No, of course that was not it. There was nothing I could have done. This was a trap, and it was too late for us the minute we arrived.

We froze when the thin beams of light shot out of the darkness into Jared’s and Melanie’s faces. My face, my eyes, the ones that might have helped us, stayed obscured, hidden in the shadow made by Ian’s wide back.

My eyes were not blinded by the glare, and the moon was bright enough for me to clearly see the Seekers that outnumbered us, eight to our six. Bright enough for me to see the way they held their hands, to see the weapons that glinted in them, raised and pointed at us. Pointed at Jared and Mel, at Brandt and Aaron-our only gun still undrawn-and one centered dead on Ian’s chest.

Why had I let him come with me? Why did he have to die, too? Lily’s bewildered questions echoed in my head: Why did life and love go on? What was the point?

My fragile little heart shattered into a million pieces, and I fumbled for the pill in my pocket.

“Steady, now, everybody just keep calm,” the man in the center of the group of Seekers called out. “Wait, wait, don’t be swallowing anything! Jeez, get a grip! No, look!”

The man turned the flashlight on his own face.

His face was sun browned and craggy, like a rock that had been eroded by the wind. His hair was dark, with white at the temples, and it curled in a bushy mess around his ears. And his eyes-his eyes were dark brown. Just dark brown, nothing more.

“See?” he said. “Okay, now, you don’t shoot us, and we won’t shoot you. See?” And he laid the gun he was carrying to the ground. “C’mon, guys,” he said, and the others slid their guns back into holsters-on their hips, their ankles, their backs… so many weapons.

“We found your cache here-clever, that; we were lucky to find it-and decided we’d hang out and make your acquaintance. It’s not every day you find another rebel cell.” He laughed a delighted laugh that came from deep in his belly. “Look at your faces! What? Did you think you all were the only ones still kickin’?” He laughed again.

None of us had moved an inch.

“Think they’re in shock, Nate,” another man said.

“We scared them half to death,” a woman said. “What do you expect?”

They waited, shuffling from foot to foot, while we stood frozen.

Jared was the first to recover. “Who are you?” he whispered.

The leader laughed again. “I’m Nate-nice to meet you, though you might not feel the same way just yet. This here’s Rob, Evan, Blake, Tom, Kim, and Rachel along with me.” He gestured around the group as he spoke, and the humans nodded at their names. I noticed one man, a little to the back, whom Nate did not introduce. He had bright, crinkly ginger hair that stood out-especially because he was the tallest in the group. He alone seemed to be unarmed. He was also staring intently at me, so I looked away. “There’s twenty-two of us altogether, though,” Nate continued.

Nate held out his hand.

Jared took a deep breath and then a step forward. When he moved, the rest of our little group silently exhaled all at once.

“I’m Jared.” He shook Nate’s hand, then started to smile. “This is Melanie, Aaron, Brandt, Ian, and Wanda. There are thirty-seven of us altogether.”

When Jared spoke my name, Ian shifted his weight, trying to obscure me completely from the other humans’ view. It was only then that I realized I was still in just as much danger as the others would have been in if these had been Seekers. Just like in the beginning. I tried to hold perfectly still.

Nate blinked at Jared’s revelation, and then his eyes widened. “Wow. That’s the first time I’ve ever been one-upped on that one.”

Now Jared blinked. “You’ve found others?”

“There are three other cells separate from ours that we know of. Eleven with Gail, seven with Russell, and eighteen with Max. We keep in touch. Even trade now and then.” Again, the belly laugh. “Gail’s little Ellen decided she wanted to keep company with my Evan here, and Carlos took up with Russell’s Cindy. And, of course, everyone needs Burns now and then -” He stopped talking abruptly, glancing uneasily around him, as if he’d said something he shouldn’t have. His eyes rested briefly on the tall redhead in the back, who was still staring at me.

“Might as well get that out of the way,” the small dark man at Nate’s elbow said.

Nate shot a suspicious glance across our little line. “Okay. Rob’s right. Let’s get this out there.” He took a deep breath. “Now, you all just take it easy and hear us out. Calmly, please. This upsets people sometimes.”

“Every time,” the one named Rob muttered. His hand drifted to the holster on his thigh.

“What?” Jared asked in a flat voice.

Nate sighed and then gestured to the tall man with the ginger red hair. The man stepped forward, a wry smile on his face. He had freckles, like me, only thousands more. They were scattered so thick across his face that he looked dark skinned, though he was fair. His eyes were dark-navy blue, maybe.

“This here is Burns. Now, he’s with us, so don’t go crazy. He’s my best friend-saved my life a hundred times. He’s one of our family, and we don’t take kindly to it when people try to kill him.”

One of the women slowly pulled her gun out and held it pointed at the ground.

The redhead spoke for the first time in a distinctly gentle tenor voice. “No, it’s okay, Nate. See? They’ve got one of their own.” He pointed straight at me, and Ian tensed. “Looks like I’m not the only one who’s gone native.”

Burns grinned at me, then crossed the empty space, the no-man’s-land between the two tribes, with his hand stretched out toward me.

I stepped out from around Ian, ignoring his muttered warning, abruptly comfortable and sure.

I liked the way Burns had phrased it. Gone native.

Burns stopped in front of me, lowering his hand a bit to compensate for the considerable difference in our heights. I took his hand-it was hard and callused next to my delicate skin-and shook it.

“Burns Living Flowers,” he introduced himself.

My eyes widened at his name. Fire World-how unexpected.

“Wanderer,” I told him.

“It’s… extraordinary to meet you, Wanderer. And here I thought I was one of a kind.”

“Not even close,” I said, thinking of Sunny back in the caves. Perhaps we were none of us as rare as we thought.

He raised an eyebrow at my answer, intrigued.

“Is that so?” he said. “Well, maybe there’s some hope for this planet, after all.”

“It’s a strange world,” I murmured, more to myself than to the other native soul.

“The strangest,” he agreed.

Categories: The Host

The Host - Chapter 57

Completed

It was a small tribunal this time, not like the trial for Kyle’s life. Ian brought only Jeb, Doc, and Jared. He knew without having to be told that Jamie must not be allowed anywhere near these proceedings.

Melanie would have to give that goodbye for me. I couldn’t face that, not with Jamie. I didn’t care if it was cowardly of me. I wouldn’t do it.

Just one blue lamp, one dim circle of light on the stone floor. We sat on the edge of the ring of light; I was alone, the four men facing me. Jeb had even brought his gun-as if it were a gavel and would make this more official.

The smell of sulfur brought back the painful days of my mourning; there were some memories that I would not regret losing when I was gone.

“How is she?” I asked Doc urgently as they settled in, before they could get started. This tribunal was a waste of my small store of time. I was worried about more important things.

“Which one?” he responded in a weary voice.

I stared at him for a few seconds, and then my eyes grew wide. “Sunny’s gone? Already?”

“Kyle thought it was cruel to make her suffer longer. She was… unhappy.”

“I wish I could have said goodbye,” I murmured to myself. “And good luck. How is Jodi?”

“No response yet.”

“The Healer’s body?”

“Trudy took her away. I think they went to get her something to eat. They’re working on finding a temporary name she likes, so we can call her something besides the body.” He smiled wryly.

“She’ll be fine. I’m sure she will,” I said, trying to believe the words. “And Jodi, too. It will all work out.”

No one called me on my lies. They knew I was saying this for myself.

Doc sighed. “I don’t want to be away from Jodi long. She might need something.”

“Right,” I agreed. “Let’s get this over with.” The quicker the better. Because it didn’t matter what was said here; Doc had agreed to my terms. And yet there was some stupid part of me that hoped… hoped that there was a solution that would make everything perfect and let me stay with Ian and Mel with Jared in a way that absolutely no one would suffer for. Best to crush that impossible hope quickly.

“Okay,” Jeb said. “Wanda, what’s your side?”

“I’m giving Melanie back.” Firm, short-no reasons to argue against.

“Ian, what’s yours?”

“We need Wanda here.”

Firm, short-he was copying me.

Jeb nodded to himself. “That’s a tricky one. Wanda, why should I agree with you?”

“If it were you, you’d want your body back. You can’t deny Melanie that.”

“Ian?” Jeb asked.

“We have to look at the greater good, Jeb. Wanda’s already brought us more health and security than we’ve ever had. She’s vital to the survival of our community-of the entire human race. One person can’t stand in the way of that.”

He’s right.

Nobody asked you.

Jared spoke up. “Wanda, what does Mel say?”

Ha, Mel said.

I stared into Jared’s eyes, and the strangest thing happened. All the melting and melding I had just been through was shoved aside, into the smallest part of my body, the little corner that I took up physically. The rest of me yearned toward Jared with the same desperate, half-crazed hunger I’d felt since the first time I’d seen him here. This body barely belonged to me or to Melanie-it belonged to him.

There really wasn’t room enough for the two of us in here.

“Melanie wants her body back. She wants her life back.”

Liar. Tell them the truth.

No.

“Liar,” Ian said. “I can see you arguing with her. I’ll bet she agrees with me. She’s a good person. She knows how much we need you.”

“Mel knows everything I know. She’ll be able to help you. And the Healer’s host. She knows more than I ever did. You’ll be fine. You were fine before I was here. You’ll survive, just like before.”

Jeb blew out a puff of air, frowning. “I don’t know, Wanda. Ian’s got a point.”

I glared at the old man and saw that Jared was doing the same. I looked away from that standoff to level a grim glance at Doc.

Doc met my eyes, and his face clenched with pain. He understood the reminder I was giving him. He’d promised. This tribunal didn’t overrule that.

Ian was watching Jared-he didn’t see our silent exchange.

“Jeb,” Jared protested. “There’s only one decision here. You know that.”

“Is there, kid? Seems to me there’s a whole barrel of ’em.”

“That’s Melanie’s body!”

“And Wanda’s, too.”

Jared choked on his response and had to start over. “You can’t leave Mel trapped in there-it’s like murder, Jeb.”

Ian leaned forward into the light, his face suddenly furious again. “And what is it that you’re doing to Wanda, Jared? And the rest of us, if you take her away?”

“You don’t care about the rest of anybody! You just want to keep Wanda at Melanie’s expense-nothing else matters to you.”

“And you want to have Melanie at Wanda’s expense-nothing else matters to you! So, with those things being equal, it comes down to what’s best for everyone else.”

“No! It comes down to what Melanie wants! That’s her body!”

They were both crouched halfway between sitting and standing now, their fists clenched and their faces twisted with rage.

“Cool it, boys! Cool it right now,” Jeb ordered. “This is a tribunal, and we’re going to stay calm and keep our heads. We’ve got to think about every side.”

“Jeb -” Jared began.

“Shut up.” Jeb chewed on his lip for a while. “Okay, here’s how I see it. Wanda’s right -”

Ian lurched to his feet.

“Hold it! Sit yourself back down. Let me finish.”

Jeb waited until Ian, the tendons standing out in his taut neck, stiffly returned to a seated position.

“Wanda is right,” Jeb said. “Mel needs her body back. But,” he added quickly when Ian tensed again, “but I don’t agree with the rest, Wanda. I think we need you pretty bad, kid. We got Seekers out there lookin’ for us, and you can talk right to ’em. The rest of us can’t do that. You save lives. I got to think about the welfare of my household.”

Jared spoke through his teeth. “So we get her another body. Obviously.”

Doc’s crumpled face lifted. Jeb’s white caterpillar eyebrows touched his hairline. Ian’s eyes widened and his lips pursed. He stared at me, considering…

“No! No!” I shook my head frantically.

“Why not, Wanda?” Jeb asked. “Don’t sound like a half-bad idea to me.”

I swallowed and took a deep breath so my voice wouldn’t turn hysterical. “Jeb. Listen to me carefully, Jeb. I am tired of being a parasite. Can you understand that? Do you think I want to go into another body and have this start all over again? Do I have to feel guilty forever for taking someone’s life away from them? Do I have to have someone else hate me? I’m barely a soul anymore-I love you brutish humans too much. It’s wrong for me to be here, and I hate feeling that.”

I took another breath and spoke through the tears that were falling now. “And what if things change? What if you put me in some-one else, steal another life, and it goes wrong? What if that body pulls me after some other love, back to the souls? What if you can’t trust me anymore? What if I betray you next time? I don’t want to hurt you!”

The first part was the pure and unadorned truth, but I was lying wildly through the second. I hoped they wouldn’t hear that. It would help that the words were barely coherent, my tears turned to sobs. I would never hurt them. What had happened to me here was permanent, a part of the very atoms that made up my small body. But maybe, if I gave them a reason to fear me, they would more easily accept what had to be.

And my lies worked, for once. I caught the worried glance Jared and Jeb exchanged. They hadn’t thought of that-of my becoming untrustworthy, becoming a danger. Ian was already moving to put his arms around me. He dried my tears against his chest.

“It’s okay, honey. You don’t have to be anyone else. Nothing’s going to change.”

“Hold on, Wanda,” Jeb said, his shrewd eyes suddenly sharper. “How does going to one of those other planets help you? You’ll still be a parasite, kid.”

Ian flinched around me at the harsh word.

And I flinched also, because Jeb was too insightful, as always.

They waited for my answer, all but Doc, who knew what the real answer was. The one I wouldn’t give.

I tried to say only true things. “It’s different on other planets, Jeb. There isn’t any resistance. And the hosts themselves are different. They aren’t as individualized as humans, their emotions are so much milder. It doesn’t feel like stealing a life. Not like it feels here. No one will hate me. And I’d be too far away to hurt you. You’d be safer…”

The last part sounded too much like the lie it was, so I let my voice trail off.

Jeb stared at me through narrowed eyes, and I looked away.

I tried not to look at Doc, but I couldn’t help one brief glance, to make sure he understood. His eyes locked on mine, clearly miserable, and I knew that he did.

As I quickly lowered my gaze, I caught Jared staring at Doc. Had he seen the silent communication?

Jeb sighed. “This is… a pickle.” His face turned into a grimace as he concentrated on the dilemma.

“Jeb -” Ian and Jared said together. They both stopped and scowled at each other.

This was all just a waste of time, and I had only hours. Just a few more hours, I knew that for certain now.

“Jeb,” I said softly, my voice barely audible over the spring’s gushing murmur, and everyone turned to me. “You don’t have to decide right now. Doc needs to check on Jodi, and I’d like to see her, too. Plus, I haven’t eaten all day. Why don’t you sleep on it? We can talk again tomorrow. We’ve got plenty of time to think about this.”

Lies. Could they tell?

“That’s a good idea, Wanda. I think everyone here could use a breather. Go get some food, and we’ll all sleep on it.”

I was very careful not to look at Doc now, even when I spoke to him.

“I’ll be along to help with Jodi after I eat, Doc. See you later.”

“Okay,” Doc said warily.

Why couldn’t he keep his tone casual? He was a human-he should have been a good liar.

“Hungry?” Ian murmured, and I nodded. I let him help me up. He latched on to my hand, and I knew he would be keeping a tight hold on me now. That didn’t worry me. He slept deeply, like Jamie.

As we walked from the dark room, I could feel eyes on my back, but I wasn’t sure whose.

Just a few more things to do. Three, to be precise. Three last deeds to be completed.

First, I ate.

It wouldn’t be nice to leave Mel with her body uncomfortable from hunger. Besides, the food was better since I’d been raiding. Something to look forward to rather than endure.

I made Ian get the food and bring it to me while I hid in the field where half-grown sprouts of wheat replaced the corn. I told Ian the truth so that he would help me: I was avoiding Jamie. I didn’t want Jamie frightened by this decision. It would be harder for him than for Jared or Ian-they each took one side. Jamie loved us both; he would be more evenly torn.

Ian did not argue with me. We ate in silence, his arm tight around my waist.

Second, I went to see Sunny and Jodi.

I expected to see three glowing cryotanks on top of Doc’s desk, and I was surprised that there were still just the two Healers, set in the center. Doc and Kyle hovered over the cot where Jodi lay inert. I walked quickly to them, about to demand to know where Sunny was, but when I got closer, I saw that Kyle had an occupied cryotank cradled in one arm.

“You’ll want to be gentle with that,” I murmured.

Doc was touching Jodi’s wrist, counting to himself. His lips pressed into a thin line when he heard my voice, and he had to begin over again.

“Yeah, Doc told me that,” Kyle said, his gaze never leaving Jodi’s face. A dark, matched set of bruises was forming under his eyes. Was his nose broken again? “I’m being careful. I just… didn’t want to leave her alone over there. She was so sad and so… sweet.”

“I’m sure she’d appreciate it, if she knew.”

He nodded, still staring at Jodi. “Is there something I’m supposed to be doing here? Is there some way to help?”

“Talk to her, say her name, talk about things she’ll remember. Talk about Sunny, even. That helped with the Healer’s host.”

“Mandy,” Doc corrected. “She says it’s not exactly right, but it’s close.”

“Mandy,” I repeated. Not that I would need to remember. “Where is she?”

“With Trudy-that was a good call there. Trudy’s exactly the right person. I think she’s gotten her to sleep.”

“That’s good. Mandy will be okay.”

“I hope so.” Doc smiled, but it didn’t affect his gloomy expression much. “I’ve got lots of questions for her.”

I looked at the small woman-it was still impossible to believe that she was older than the body I wore. Her face was slack and vacant. It frightened me a little-she’d been so vibrantly alive when Sunny was inside. Would Mel…?

I’m still here.

I know. You’ll be fine.

Like Lacey. She winced, and so did I.

Never like Lacey.

I touched Jodi’s arm softly. She was much like Lacey in some ways. Olive skinned and black haired and tiny. They could almost be sisters, except that Jodi’s sweet, wan face could never look so repellent.

Kyle was tongue-tied, holding her hand.

“Like this, Kyle,” I said. I brushed her arm again. “Jodi? Jodi, can you hear me? Kyle’s waiting for you, Jodi. He got himself in a lot of trouble getting you here-everybody who knows him wants to beat him senseless.” I grinned wryly at the big man, and his lips curled up at the corners, though he didn’t look up to see my smile.

“Not that you’re surprised to hear that,” Ian said beside me. “When hasn’t that been the case, eh, Jodi? It’s good to see you again, sweetheart. Though I wonder if you feel the same way. Must have been a nice break to get rid of this idiot for so long.”

Kyle hadn’t noticed his brother was there, attached like a vise to my hand, until Ian spoke.

“You remember Ian, of course. Never has managed to catch up to me in anything, but he keeps trying. Hey, Ian,” Kyle added, never moving his eyes, “you got anything you want to say to me?”

“Not really.”

“I’m waiting for an apology.”

“Keep waiting.”

“Can you believe he kicked me in the face, Jodes? For no reason at all.”

“Who needs an excuse, eh, Jodi?”

It was oddly pleasant, the banter between the brothers. Jodi’s presence kept it light and teasing. Gentle and funny. I would have woken up for this. If I were her, I would have been smiling already.

“Keep it up, Kyle,” I murmured. “That’s just right. She’ll come around.”

I wished I would get to meet her, to see what she was like. I could only picture Sunny’s expressions.

What would it be like for everyone here, meeting Melanie for the first time? Would it seem the same to them, as if there were no difference? Would they really grasp that I was gone, or would Melanie simply fill the role I had?

Maybe they would find her entirely different. Maybe they would have to adjust to her all over again. Maybe she would fit in the way I never had. I pictured her, which was picturing me, the center of a crowd of friendly faces. Pictured us with Freedom in our arms and all the humans who had never trusted me smiling with welcome.

Why did that bring tears to my eyes? Was I really so petty?

No, Mel assured me. And they’ll miss you-of course they will. All the best people here will feel your loss.

She seemed to finally accept my decision.

Not accept, she disagreed. I just can’t see any way to stop you. And I can feel how close it is. I’m scared, too. Isn’t that funny? I’m absolutely terrified.

That makes two of us.

“Wanda?” Kyle said.

“Yes?”

“I’m sorry.”

“Um… why?”

“For trying to kill you,” he said casually. “Guess I was wrong.”

Ian gasped. “Please tell me you have some kind of recording device available, Doc.”

“Nope. Sorry, Ian.”

Ian shook his head. “This moment should be preserved. I never thought I’d live to see the day that Kyle O’Shea would admit to being wrong. C’mon, Jodi. That ought to shock you awake.”

“Jodi, baby, don’t you want to defend me? Tell Ian I never have been wrong before.” He chuckled.

That was nice. It was nice to know that I’d earned Kyle’s acceptance before I left. I hadn’t expected that much.

There was no more I could do here. There was no point in lingering. Jodi would either come back or she would not, but neither outcome would change my path now.

So I proceeded to my third and final deed: I lied.

I stepped away from the cot, took a deep breath, and stretched my arms.

“I’m tired, Ian,” I said.

Was it really a lie? It didn’t sound so false. It had been a long, long day, this, my last day. I’d been up all night, I realized. I hadn’t slept since that last raid; I must have been exhausted.

Ian nodded. “I’ll bet you are. Did you stay up with the Heal-with Mandy all night?”

“Yeah.” I yawned.

“Have a nice night, Doc,” Ian said, pulling me toward the exit. “Good luck, Kyle. We’ll be back in the morning.”

“Night, Kyle,” I murmured. “See you, Doc.”

Doc glowered at me, but Ian’s back was to him, and Kyle was staring at Jodi. I returned Doc’s glare with a steady gaze.

Ian walked with me through the black tunnel, saying nothing. I was glad he wasn’t in the mood for conversation. I wouldn’t have been able to concentrate on it. My stomach was twisting and turning, wringing itself into strange contortions.

I was done, all my tasks accomplished. I only had to wait a bit now and not fall asleep. Tired as I was, I didn’t think that would be a problem. My heart was pounding like a fist hitting my ribs from the inside.

No more stalling. It had to be tonight, and Mel knew that, too. What had happened today with Ian had shown me that. The longer I stayed, the more tears and arguments and fights I would cause. The better the chance that I or someone else would slip up and Jamie would find out the truth. Let Mel explain it after the fact. It would be better that way.

Thanks so much, Mel thought; her words flowed fast, in a burst, her fear marring her sarcasm.

Sorry. You don’t mind too much?

She sighed. How can I mind? I’d do anything you asked me to, Wanda.

Take care of them for me.

I would have done that anyway.

Ian, too.

If he’ll let me. I’ve got a feeling he might not like me so much.

Even if he won’t let you.

I’ll do whatever I can for him, Wanda. I promise.

Ian paused in the hall outside the red and gray doors to his room. He raised his eyebrows, and I nodded. Let him think I was still hiding from Jamie. That was true, too.

Ian slid the red door aside, and I went straight to the mattress on the right. I balled up there, knotting my shaking hands in front of my hammering heart, trying to hide them behind my knees.

Ian curled around me, holding me close to his chest. This would have been fine-I knew that he would end up sprawled out in all directions when he was really asleep-except that he could feel my trembling.

“It’s going to be fine, Wanda. I know we’ll find a solution.”

“I truly love you, Ian.” It was the only way I could tell him goodbye. The only way he would accept. I knew he would remember later and understand. “With my whole soul, I love you.”

“I truly love you, too, my Wanderer.”

He nuzzled his face against mine until he found my lips, then he kissed me, slow and gentle, the flow of molten rock swelling languidly in the dark at the center of the earth, until my shaking slowed.

“Sleep, Wanda. Save it for tomorrow. It will keep for the night.”

I nodded, moving my face against his, and sighed.

Ian was tired, too. I didn’t have to wait long. I stared at the ceiling-the stars had moved above the cracks here. I could see three of them now, where before there had been only two. I watched them wink and pulse across the blackness of space. They did not call to me. I had no desire to join them.

One at a time, Ian’s arms fell away from me. He flopped onto his back, muttering in his sleep. I didn’t dare wait any longer; I wanted too badly to stay, to fall asleep with him and steal one more day.

I moved cautiously, but he was in no danger of waking. His breathing was heavy and even. He wouldn’t open his eyes till morning.

I brushed his smooth forehead with my lips, then rose and slid out the door.

It was not late, and the caves were not empty. I could hear voices bouncing around, strange echoes that might have been coming from anywhere. I didn’t see anyone until I was in the big cave. Geoffrey, Heath, and Lily were on their way back from the kitchen. I kept my eyes down, though I was very glad to see Lily. In the brief glimpse I allowed myself, I could see that she was at least standing upright, her shoulders straight. Lily was tough. Like Mel. She’d make it, too.

I hurried to the southern corridor, relieved when I was safe in the blackness there. Relieved and horrified. It was really over now.

I’m so afraid, I whimpered.

Before Mel could respond, a heavy hand dropped on my shoulder from the darkness.

“Going somewhere?”

Categories: The Host

The Host - Chapter 56

Welded

Ian glared down at the three of us with such fury that Sunny shivered in terror. It was an odd thing-as if Kyle and Ian had switched faces. Except Ian’s face was still perfect, unbroken. Beautiful, even though it was enraged.

“Ian?” Kyle asked, bewildered. “What’s the problem?”

Ian spoke from between his locked teeth. “Wanda,” he growled, and held his hand out. It looked as if he was having a hard time keeping that hand open, not clenching it into a fist.

Uh-oh, Mel thought.

Misery swept through me. I didn’t want to say goodbye to Ian, and now I would have to. Of course I had to. I would be wrong to sneak out in the night like a thief and leave all my goodbyes to Melanie.

Ian, tired of waiting, grabbed my arm and hauled me up from the floor. When Sunny seemed like she was coming along, too, still joined to my side, Ian shook me until she fell off.

“What is with you?” Kyle demanded.

Ian hauled his knee back and smashed his foot hard into Kyle’s face.

“Ian!” I protested.

Sunny threw herself in front of Kyle-who was holding his hand to his nose and struggling to get to his feet-and tried to shield him with her tiny body. This knocked him off balance, back to the floor, and he groaned.

“C’mon,” Ian snarled, dragging me away from them without a backward glance.

“Ian -”

He wrenched me roughly along, making it impossible for me to speak. That was fine. I had no idea what to say.

I saw everyone’s startled face flash by in a blur. I was worried he was going to upset the unnamed woman. She wasn’t used to anger and violence.

And then we jerked to a stop. Jared was blocking the exit.

“Have you lost your mind, Ian?” he asked, shocked and outraged. “What are you doing to her?”

“Did you know about this?” Ian shouted back, shoving me toward Jared and shaking me at him. Behind us, a whimper. He was scaring them.

“You’re going to hurt her!”

“Do you know what she’s planning?” Ian roared.

Jared stared at Ian, his face suddenly closed off. He didn’t answer.

That was answer enough for Ian.

Ian’s fist struck Jared so fast that I missed the blow-I just felt the lurch in his body and saw Jared reel back into the dark hall.

“Ian, stop,” I begged.

“You stop,” he growled back at me.

He yanked me through the arch into the tunnel, then pulled me north. I had to almost run to keep up with his longer stride.

“O’Shea!” Jared shouted after us.

“I’m going to hurt her?” Ian roared back over his shoulder, not breaking pace. “I am? You hypocritical swine!”

There was nothing but silence and blackness behind us now. I stumbled in the dark, trying to keep up.

It was then that I began to feel the throbbing from Ian’s grip. His hand was tight as a tourniquet around my upper arm, his long fingers making the circle easily and then overlapping. My hand was going numb.

He jerked me along faster, and my breath caught in a moan, almost a cry of pain.

The sound made Ian stumble to a stop. His breathing was hoarse in the darkness.

“Ian, Ian, I…” I choked, unable to finish. I didn’t know what to say, picturing his furious face.

His arms caught me up abruptly, yanking my feet out from under me and then catching my shoulders before I could fall. He started running forward again, carrying me now. His hands were not rough and angry like before; he cradled me against his chest.

He ran right through the big plaza, ignoring the surprised and even suspicious faces. There was too much that was unfamiliar and uncomfortable going on in the caves right now. The humans here-Violetta, Geoffrey, Andy, Paige, Aaron, Brandt, and more I couldn’t see well as we jolted past-were skittish. It disturbed them to see Ian running headlong through them, face twisted with rage, with me in his arms.

And then they were behind us. He didn’t pause until we reached the doors leaning against his and Kyle’s room. He kicked the red one out of the way-it hit the stone floor with an echoing boom-and dropped me onto the mattress on the floor.

Ian stood above me, his chest heaving with exertion and fury. For a second he turned away and put the door back in place with one swift wrench. And then he was glowering again.

I took a deep breath and rolled up onto my knees, holding my hands out, palms up, wishing that some magic would appear in them. Something I could give him, something I could say. But my hands were empty.

“You. Are. Not. Leaving. Me.” His eyes blazed-burning brighter than I had ever seen them, blue flames.

“Ian,” I whispered. “You have to see that… that I can’t stay. You must see that.”

“No!” he shouted at me.

I cringed back, and, abruptly, Ian crumpled forward, falling to his knees, falling into me. He buried his head in my stomach, and his arms locked around my waist. He was shaking, shaking hard, and loud, desperate sobs were breaking out of his chest.

“No, Ian, no,” I begged. This was so much worse than his anger. “Don’t, please. Please, don’t.”

“Wanda,” he moaned.

“Ian, please. Don’t feel this way. Don’t. I’m so sorry. Please.”

I was crying, too, shaking, too, though that might have been him shaking me.

“You can’t leave.”

“I have to, I have to,” I sobbed.

And then we cried wordlessly for a long time.

His tears dried before mine. Eventually, he straightened up and pulled me into his arms again. He waited until I was able to speak.

“Sorry,” he whispered. “I was mean.”

“No, no. I’m sorry. I should have told you, when you didn’t guess. I just… I couldn’t. I didn’t want to tell you-to hurt you-to hurt me. It was selfish.”

“We need to talk about this, Wanda. It’s not a done deal. It can’t be.”

“It is.”

He shook his head, clenching his teeth. “How long? How long have you been planning this?”

“Since the Seeker,” I whispered.

He nodded, seeming to expect this answer. “And you thought that you had to give up your secret to save her. I can understand that. But that doesn’t mean you have to go anywhere. Just because Doc knows now… that doesn’t mean anything. If I’d thought for one minute that it did, that one action equaled the other, I wouldn’t have stood there and let you show him. No one is going to force you to lie down on his blasted gurney! I’ll break his hands if he tries to touch you!”

“Ian, please.”

“They can’t make you, Wanda! Do you hear me?” He was shouting again.

“No one is making me. I didn’t show Doc how to do the separation so that I could save the Seeker,” I whispered. “The Seeker’s being here just made me have to decide… faster. I did it to save Mel, Ian.”

His nostrils flared, and he said nothing.

“She’s trapped in here, Ian. It’s like a prison-worse than that; I can’t even describe it. She’s like a ghost. And I can free her. I can give her herself back.”

“You deserve a life, too, Wanda. You deserve to stay.”

“But I love her, Ian.”

He closed his eyes, and his pale lips went dead white.

“But I love you,” he whispered. “Doesn’t that matter?”

“Of course it matters. So much. Can’t you see? That only makes it more… necessary.”

His eyes flashed open. “Is it so unbearable to have me love you? Is that it? I can keep my mouth shut, Wanda. I won’t say it again. You can be with Jared, if that’s what you want. Just stay.”

“No, Ian!” I took his face between my hands-his skin felt hard, strained tight over the bones. “No. I-I love you, too. Me, the little silver worm in the back of her head. But my body doesn’t love you. It can’t love you. I can never love you in this body, Ian. It pulls me in two. It’s unbearable.”

I could have borne it. But watching him suffer because of my body’s limitations? Not that.

He closed his eyes again. His thick black lashes were wet with tears. I could see them glisten.

Oh, go ahead, Mel sighed. Do whatever you need to. I’ll… step into the other room, she added dryly.

Thanks.

I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled myself closer to him until my lips touched his.

He curled his arms around me, pulling me tighter against his chest. Our lips moved together, fusing as if they would never divide, as if separation was not the inevitable thing it was, and I could taste the salt of our tears. His and mine.

Something began to change.

When Melanie’s body touched Jared’s body, it was like a wildfire-a fast burn that raced across the surface of the desert and consumed everything in its path.

With Ian it was different, so very different, because Melanie didn’t love him the way I did. So when he touched me, it was deeper and slower than the wildfire, like the flow of molten rock far beneath the surface of the earth. Too deep to feel the heat of it, but it moved inexorably, changing the very foundations of the world with its advance.

My unwilling body was a fog between us-a thick curtain, but gauzy enough that I could see through it, could see what was happening.

It changed me, not her. It was almost a metallurgical process deep inside the core of who I was, something that had already begun, was already nearly forged. But this long, unbroken kiss finished it, searing and sharp edged-it shoved this new creation, all hissing, into the cold water that made it hard and final. Unbreakable.

And I started to cry again, realizing that it must be changing him, too, this man who was kind enough to be a soul but strong as only a human could be.

He moved his lips to my eyes, but it was too late. It was done. “Don’t cry, Wanda. Don’t cry. You’re staying with me.”

“Eight full lives,” I whispered against his jaw, my voice breaking. “Eight full lives and I never found anyone I would stay on a planet for, anyone I would follow when they left. I never found a partner. Why now? Why you? You’re not of my species. How can you be my partner?”

“It’s a strange universe,” he murmured.

“It’s not fair,” I complained, echoing Sunny’s words. It wasn’t fair. How could I find this, find love-now, in this eleventh hour-and have to leave it? Was it fair that my soul and body couldn’t reconcile? Was it fair that I had to love Melanie, too?

Was it fair that Ian would suffer? He deserved happiness if anyone did. It wasn’t fair or right or even… sane. How could I do this to him?

“I love you,” I whispered.

“Don’t say that like you’re saying goodbye.”

But I had to. “I, the soul called Wanderer, love you, human Ian. And that will never change, no matter what I might become.” I worded it carefully, so that there would be no lie in my voice. “If I were a Dolphin or a Bear or a Flower, it wouldn’t matter. I would always love you, always remember you. You will be my only partner.”

His arms stiffened, then constricted tighter around me, and I could feel the anger in them again. It was hard to breathe.

“You’re not wandering off anywhere. You’re staying here.”

“Ian -”

But his voice was brusque now-angry, but also businesslike. “This isn’t just for me. You’re a part of this community, and you aren’t getting kicked out without discussion. You are far too important to us all-even to the ones who would never admit it. We need you.”

“No one’s kicking me out, Ian.”

“No. Not even you yourself, Wanderer.”

He kissed me again, his mouth rougher with the return of the anger. His hand curled into a fist around my hair, and he pulled my face an inch away from his.

“Good or bad?” he demanded.

“Good.”

“That’s what I thought.” And his voice was a growl.

He kissed me again. His arms were so tight around my ribs, his mouth so fierce against mine, that I was soon dizzy and gasping for air. He loosened his arms a little then and let his lips slide to my ear.

“Let’s go.”

“Where? Where are we going?” I wasn’t going anywhere, I knew that. And yet how my heart pounded when I thought of going away, somewhere, anywhere, with Ian. My Ian. He was mine, the way Jared never would be. The way this body could never be his.

“Don’t give me any trouble about this, Wanderer. I’m half out of my mind.” He pulled us both to our feet.

“Where?” I insisted.

“You’re going down the eastern tunnel, past the field, to the end.”

“The game room?”

“Yes. And then you are going to wait there until I get the rest of them.”

“Why?” His words sounded crazy to me. Did he want to play a game? To ease the tension again?

“Because this will be discussed. I’m calling a tribunal, Wanderer, and you are going to abide by our decision.”

Categories: The Host